...uncharted & such!

"...I won't go as a passenger, no
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down,
I'm taking flame over burning out

Compare where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere..."

Sarah Bareilles -Uncharted

Uncharted territory ... this is where I find myself.

Last week I officially broke the number barrier into a new centennial of sorts ... a new range, a new first digit, a number I seriously have not seen since at least high school!

First off, I have slightly adjusted my goals... my body leveled off a bit and started losing a little more slowly, although I still would love to see my original number goal by my Birthday I am raising it 10lbs to a more realistic goal... we will see what happens.  What I am finding is that I am starting to notice that some of my poundage is related to muscle and possibly some skin, so I don't want to get TOO caught up in numbers, but it's hard not to.  I checked out the BMI calculator and I am 13lbs away from no longer being obese and 44lbs away from being within the normal weight range.  I have been obese for as long as I can remember, I will be THRILLED to leave that term behind.  Even if it means I will still be in the overweight category for another 31lbs.

We started "Insanity" last week.  It's a pretty intense work out... but it's getting easier as the days go on.  I am excited for the next 52 days and to see if we can knock off a chunk of our weight and tone up!  I was slightly frightened to do it, but like anything it's just a fear of the unknown.

I was going to try to get deep here, idk if I am up for the deepness challenge.  When I started our new diet 2 months ago I was feeling inspired and deep.  We had also just overcome some big physical hurdles through our Spinning journey.  I feel like I am on the verge of deepness again ... but it's hard to sometimes translate that into words.  I guess I shall try.  I have never been a normal weight, ever.  Maybe the last time I weighed something "normal" for my age I was about 6 years old, then bam, at age 7 the weight issues began.  My second grade photo is proof, I literally ballooned up.  I have spent the last (almost) 23 years of my life battling my weight.  I do not know what it means to be an adult and not be over weight.  I have absolutely no clue what that feels like.  But, for the first time, ever, I feel like normal weight is within my reach.  It is the most bizarre feeling in the world.  I see things through almost a different set of eyes now.  My brain is SO far behind my body though, so it's the strangest adjustment.  I still feel like I am "fat", which obviously I am still over weight, but I keep forgetting that I am significantly smaller.  It's like the weight is there, and I am not reminded that it is gone until I look in the mirror, the window of the subway, or simply look DOWN at my body.  I even feel lighter as I glide up the subway stairs every morning.  And it's like a constant DUH feeling.  Like oh yeah, that 117lbs is gone, forever. This has been a slow process, so you would think that my brain has had plenty of time to catch up, but it has not.  I can almost see how it would be easy for women to develop eating disorders because your brain really has to be reminded on a constant basis.  I now look at really heavy women and men on the subway and I have to REMIND myself that I am smaller than them now, it's strange, and I want to tell them that they can do it too (like significantly obese people, not just over weight).  But I know when I was that big that would've pissed me off lol.  This is why I want a pin that says "I lost 100lbs, ask me how!" haha.  I am FINALLY starting to realize that I can sit between two people and that our thighs will no longer touch.  I used to stand (and sometimes I still do if I am having an off day), just to not have to deal with being too "large" to fit properly if it isn't an end seat.  I didn't want to be the annoying fat person taking up a seat and a half.  And to be honest, I get so mad when someone is large enough to take up two seats.  I know it's not fair and I know I was once there, but after battling my way towards health I feel like if I did it, they can too.  But obviously we are each on our own journey and that isn't fair of me.  Also, I might sound slightly horrible right now, but if I am getting deep I have to be honest!  Maybe it is just me feeling the pain that I used to feel when that was me, it's like a reminder, I guess that's why I get agitated.  Obviously it has nothing to do with the person at all, I am not mean, lol!

Let the deepness continue... this is less deep than it is revealing, but if I am being candid then I have to share.  Sausage casings, yup, that's right, I used to wear one.  For those of you who do not know me well enough, or know what a sausage casing is, I shall explain.  The modern day terminology is Spanks, god I should have invented Spanks, I'd be rich now!  I have been wearing sausage casings for probably around 5 years, MINIMUM, if not more, I just can't recall when it became such a crutch.  Possibly 7 years (or more, I seriously don't know lol)!  I used to wear the type of "Spanks" that was like a leotard or bathing suit.  It was like an extra bra but it also smoothed my stomach rolls.  It started out as something to help me fit into my clothes probably, then it became more of a constant, I became addicted to "casings" for short.  I wore a casing daily!  Even when I started my weight loss journey I had a "gym casing"!  It was really horrible.  And all of that polyester is really NOT breathable lol.  My family and close friends would question if it was okay to wear something so tight every day.  But no way in hell was I going to be one of those lumpy fatties!  I had a reputation to maintain!  Keep it contained!  Keep it smooth!  Keep it classy!  No way in hell would I go anywhere without it... and then as I started to lose more and more weight it began, the detachment from the casing.  I think when I was about 65lbs or so into it I ditched the gym casing.  YAY!  Now I can breathe at the gym haha.  Then, I ditched the sweat pants/lazy errands day casing.  Then I ditched the "we are staying at someones house and I am in PJs and I can't now let all my fat hang lose" casing.  Eventually, I was down to only a casing with jeans/going out clothes.  I then started ditching the dress casing because when a dress is too low cut you could see it, and I was actually becoming SMALLER than the casing was letting on.  Lisa was telling me to ditch it, my Mom was asking if I had ditched it yet ... but I had given them a number, when I weigh less than that milestone number I will ditch the casing.  I waited, for what seemed like forever, to hit that number.  And I questioned if I could REALLY ditch it.  What would I do in low rise jeans?!  What if I looked GROSS?  What if this, what if that?  All that worry really probably wasn't worth it, but it had become my comfort, my cover up, my necessity.  Honestly, in the end, the casing stopped fitting me, it had about 3 inches of room in it, it was starting to ANNOY me that it wasn't showing off my real curves lol.  So, I hit the number and I did it, that Monday morning I put on my jeans with no casing under neath.  And I felt so free!  It was strange, it was an adjustment, but I actually PREFERRED my natural figure.  Who knew?!  Clearly Lisa knew, but like ALWAYS, I had to be ready on my own.  Now, my shirts are too big on me without all that extra fabric under neath.  My pants fall down, I clearly need a new wardrobe, and even though I am apprehensive to try on new clothes WITHOUT my casing, I am sure I will be pleasantly surprised.

You know, I wonder, if anyone thinks all of this weight loss blogging is dumb.  But it's kind of like therapy.  This is something that I have never gone through before and this is something so life changing.  The experiences are interesting and new and I feel like it's worth sharing.  I think it's important to document some of the aspects of this journey so I can look back and see how far I have come.  I know that I will live more of my lifetime healthy than not.  But I cannot completely disregard the part of my life that I spent over weight.  I am who I am because of my life experiences.  I was still the same person, but there are aspects of me that have adjusted.  It's a constant, it doesn't just end.  We evolve throughout our lifetime, but it doesn't mean that we lose sight of where we have been and where we are going.  I feel like one of my challenges is to live in the moment.  I have done a good job of moving on from most of what is behind me, and I look eagerly to the future.  But I feel as though blogging the right now helps me to live more in the moment of what I am experiencing.  It's a slightly vulnerable feeling at times, but I think that it also gives me strength.  It helps me to be okay with the fact that I did let myself get so big.  I never really disliked any aspect of myself, even when I weighed my very heaviest, I felt good about who I was and how I looked.  I still felt beautiful, which may have been why it took me so long to realize how much I did need to make a change.  But I was never made to feel different, which is a blessing.  I adapted and lived my life as comfortably as I could at an uncomfortable weight.  Now as I look back I realize how uncomfortable it was and I am thrilled to know that I have the tools to never go back.  Sometimes I may mention regret at allowing myself to get so big, but I guess what is meant to be will be and for some reason I was meant to take this journey... I think the answer as to why is close to presenting it self.  But in the mean time I am fairly content with enjoying life as it is and continuing on this path to even better health.