Appropriate Whitney lyrics:
...I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all...
Whitney Houston - Greatest Love of All
I have officially lost 112lbs. I am 3lbs away from seeing a number that I honestly do not remember seeing since I am at least 15 or 16 years old (if that).
I have lost 17lbs in one month since starting The Zone (which includes a week of being sick and having to eat soup and crackers, which are not part of the plan).
So can someone PLEASE explain to me why I was just catapulted back to being 10 years old again and in 5th grade when the LOSER "Comedy Central Show" pusher down in Times Square told me I had big thighs?
Picture it, 1991. After losing 15lbs of baby fat I start 4th grade "thinner" than I had been since I was probably 6 years old. 2nd and 3rd grade were rough for me, immediately following my parents divorce and my first introduction to my Dad's struggles with staying "sober", my weight begins to increase.
The boys, who probably secretly liked me anyway, and some who were chubby themselves, coin an awesome name for me; "Thunder Thighs"... that name and the stigma attached to it have followed me for my entire life.
I had just LOST weight, how in gods name were they calling me THUNDER THIGHS? Here we go again, I have again just lost weight, how am I STILL being ridiculed for the way I look?! I wanted to turn around to the guy downstairs who thought it was necessary to disrespect and point out the size of a woman's thighs and either punch him or scream "YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ME 112lbs AGO ... SORRY THAT YOU ARE JUST MISERABLE BECAUSE YOU PEDDLE COMEDY SHOWS IN TIMES SQUARE AND I AM A BEAUTIFUL SUCCESSFUL WOMAN THAT WOULD NEVER EVEN CONSIDER GLANCING IN YOUR DIRECTION" ... I honestly do not even KNOW what he looked like. I kept walking as he spoke to the back of me.
Will I ever break free of the name Thunder Thighs? Will my thighs EVER be thin? I honestly have no idea... Maybe it's just the way I am built ... but am I going to have to hear it forever? How am I going to learn to NOT be transmitted back to 10 year old me at the mention of the size of my thighs?
To be quite honest, I wasn't even that over weight... the problem is that being told I was over weight, being led to believe it was a problem, having it be the focus of everything I did or ate, etc... in a way it forced me to self fulfill a false prophecy. Tell someone they are something for long enough and they begin to believe it and become that something. When I began college I was the weight I am approaching now. There was no reason to let my weight balloon the way that it did, but I self fulfilled the prophecy I had been hearing since "Thunder Thighs" had begun being snickered in my direction in elementary school.
This is not meant to be a cry fest about being bullied ... it is my own journey. It is something I will work through and figure out. But I know one thing for sure, I will never again allow myself to self fulfill a false prophecy. And at least I now know, after coming this far, that it really doesn't matter who thinks my thighs are big or small or in between. What matters is how I feel about me ... I just have to keep reminding my 10 year old self of the same thing.
so hard when we're still holding on to things from the past. one day hon all those yucky things will be gone - you're doing amazing!! thanks for all your inspiration!
ReplyDeleteHoney, let me tell you. Don't I know this! How about the asshole pharmacist at LAME ASS RITE AID PHARMACY who told me to lay off the cheese pizzas when I had to pick up meds for my mad stomach during my Atkins weightloss!? I COULDN'T EVEN EAT PIZZA.
ReplyDeleteFact is, ignorance comes in many faces. Don't let it get the best of you. You are beautiful and ignorance is pathetic and ugly.
You are right - this is your journey. Sometimes those images of our past will never be gone - but they will lose their power. You know where you've been and you know where you are. Keep going forward and keep your back turned to people like that jerk!
love, deans.
this makes steam come out of my ears. literally my face is hot and red right now. people are so awful. and holy balls 112 lbs?! guuuurl....
ReplyDeleteYou know what, your things will probably never be thin. Thank god! I see girls with tiny little legs and I'm envious for a moment - of the way their pants hang, of how easy it must be to sit at a ball park/movie theater/airplane. But then I remember the strength in my own thighs, the power they hold, and all the children they will have to lug around some day. I love my thighs :D
ReplyDeleteawww thank you gals! love you all!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeletei still want a t shirt when all is said and done that says "ask me how i lost 175lbs" lol ... hopefully that will be one of my 30th bday presents ;)