...uncharted & such!

"...I won't go as a passenger, no
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down,
I'm taking flame over burning out

Compare where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere..."

Sarah Bareilles -Uncharted

Uncharted territory ... this is where I find myself.

Last week I officially broke the number barrier into a new centennial of sorts ... a new range, a new first digit, a number I seriously have not seen since at least high school!

First off, I have slightly adjusted my goals... my body leveled off a bit and started losing a little more slowly, although I still would love to see my original number goal by my Birthday I am raising it 10lbs to a more realistic goal... we will see what happens.  What I am finding is that I am starting to notice that some of my poundage is related to muscle and possibly some skin, so I don't want to get TOO caught up in numbers, but it's hard not to.  I checked out the BMI calculator and I am 13lbs away from no longer being obese and 44lbs away from being within the normal weight range.  I have been obese for as long as I can remember, I will be THRILLED to leave that term behind.  Even if it means I will still be in the overweight category for another 31lbs.

We started "Insanity" last week.  It's a pretty intense work out... but it's getting easier as the days go on.  I am excited for the next 52 days and to see if we can knock off a chunk of our weight and tone up!  I was slightly frightened to do it, but like anything it's just a fear of the unknown.

I was going to try to get deep here, idk if I am up for the deepness challenge.  When I started our new diet 2 months ago I was feeling inspired and deep.  We had also just overcome some big physical hurdles through our Spinning journey.  I feel like I am on the verge of deepness again ... but it's hard to sometimes translate that into words.  I guess I shall try.  I have never been a normal weight, ever.  Maybe the last time I weighed something "normal" for my age I was about 6 years old, then bam, at age 7 the weight issues began.  My second grade photo is proof, I literally ballooned up.  I have spent the last (almost) 23 years of my life battling my weight.  I do not know what it means to be an adult and not be over weight.  I have absolutely no clue what that feels like.  But, for the first time, ever, I feel like normal weight is within my reach.  It is the most bizarre feeling in the world.  I see things through almost a different set of eyes now.  My brain is SO far behind my body though, so it's the strangest adjustment.  I still feel like I am "fat", which obviously I am still over weight, but I keep forgetting that I am significantly smaller.  It's like the weight is there, and I am not reminded that it is gone until I look in the mirror, the window of the subway, or simply look DOWN at my body.  I even feel lighter as I glide up the subway stairs every morning.  And it's like a constant DUH feeling.  Like oh yeah, that 117lbs is gone, forever. This has been a slow process, so you would think that my brain has had plenty of time to catch up, but it has not.  I can almost see how it would be easy for women to develop eating disorders because your brain really has to be reminded on a constant basis.  I now look at really heavy women and men on the subway and I have to REMIND myself that I am smaller than them now, it's strange, and I want to tell them that they can do it too (like significantly obese people, not just over weight).  But I know when I was that big that would've pissed me off lol.  This is why I want a pin that says "I lost 100lbs, ask me how!" haha.  I am FINALLY starting to realize that I can sit between two people and that our thighs will no longer touch.  I used to stand (and sometimes I still do if I am having an off day), just to not have to deal with being too "large" to fit properly if it isn't an end seat.  I didn't want to be the annoying fat person taking up a seat and a half.  And to be honest, I get so mad when someone is large enough to take up two seats.  I know it's not fair and I know I was once there, but after battling my way towards health I feel like if I did it, they can too.  But obviously we are each on our own journey and that isn't fair of me.  Also, I might sound slightly horrible right now, but if I am getting deep I have to be honest!  Maybe it is just me feeling the pain that I used to feel when that was me, it's like a reminder, I guess that's why I get agitated.  Obviously it has nothing to do with the person at all, I am not mean, lol!

Let the deepness continue... this is less deep than it is revealing, but if I am being candid then I have to share.  Sausage casings, yup, that's right, I used to wear one.  For those of you who do not know me well enough, or know what a sausage casing is, I shall explain.  The modern day terminology is Spanks, god I should have invented Spanks, I'd be rich now!  I have been wearing sausage casings for probably around 5 years, MINIMUM, if not more, I just can't recall when it became such a crutch.  Possibly 7 years (or more, I seriously don't know lol)!  I used to wear the type of "Spanks" that was like a leotard or bathing suit.  It was like an extra bra but it also smoothed my stomach rolls.  It started out as something to help me fit into my clothes probably, then it became more of a constant, I became addicted to "casings" for short.  I wore a casing daily!  Even when I started my weight loss journey I had a "gym casing"!  It was really horrible.  And all of that polyester is really NOT breathable lol.  My family and close friends would question if it was okay to wear something so tight every day.  But no way in hell was I going to be one of those lumpy fatties!  I had a reputation to maintain!  Keep it contained!  Keep it smooth!  Keep it classy!  No way in hell would I go anywhere without it... and then as I started to lose more and more weight it began, the detachment from the casing.  I think when I was about 65lbs or so into it I ditched the gym casing.  YAY!  Now I can breathe at the gym haha.  Then, I ditched the sweat pants/lazy errands day casing.  Then I ditched the "we are staying at someones house and I am in PJs and I can't now let all my fat hang lose" casing.  Eventually, I was down to only a casing with jeans/going out clothes.  I then started ditching the dress casing because when a dress is too low cut you could see it, and I was actually becoming SMALLER than the casing was letting on.  Lisa was telling me to ditch it, my Mom was asking if I had ditched it yet ... but I had given them a number, when I weigh less than that milestone number I will ditch the casing.  I waited, for what seemed like forever, to hit that number.  And I questioned if I could REALLY ditch it.  What would I do in low rise jeans?!  What if I looked GROSS?  What if this, what if that?  All that worry really probably wasn't worth it, but it had become my comfort, my cover up, my necessity.  Honestly, in the end, the casing stopped fitting me, it had about 3 inches of room in it, it was starting to ANNOY me that it wasn't showing off my real curves lol.  So, I hit the number and I did it, that Monday morning I put on my jeans with no casing under neath.  And I felt so free!  It was strange, it was an adjustment, but I actually PREFERRED my natural figure.  Who knew?!  Clearly Lisa knew, but like ALWAYS, I had to be ready on my own.  Now, my shirts are too big on me without all that extra fabric under neath.  My pants fall down, I clearly need a new wardrobe, and even though I am apprehensive to try on new clothes WITHOUT my casing, I am sure I will be pleasantly surprised.

You know, I wonder, if anyone thinks all of this weight loss blogging is dumb.  But it's kind of like therapy.  This is something that I have never gone through before and this is something so life changing.  The experiences are interesting and new and I feel like it's worth sharing.  I think it's important to document some of the aspects of this journey so I can look back and see how far I have come.  I know that I will live more of my lifetime healthy than not.  But I cannot completely disregard the part of my life that I spent over weight.  I am who I am because of my life experiences.  I was still the same person, but there are aspects of me that have adjusted.  It's a constant, it doesn't just end.  We evolve throughout our lifetime, but it doesn't mean that we lose sight of where we have been and where we are going.  I feel like one of my challenges is to live in the moment.  I have done a good job of moving on from most of what is behind me, and I look eagerly to the future.  But I feel as though blogging the right now helps me to live more in the moment of what I am experiencing.  It's a slightly vulnerable feeling at times, but I think that it also gives me strength.  It helps me to be okay with the fact that I did let myself get so big.  I never really disliked any aspect of myself, even when I weighed my very heaviest, I felt good about who I was and how I looked.  I still felt beautiful, which may have been why it took me so long to realize how much I did need to make a change.  But I was never made to feel different, which is a blessing.  I adapted and lived my life as comfortably as I could at an uncomfortable weight.  Now as I look back I realize how uncomfortable it was and I am thrilled to know that I have the tools to never go back.  Sometimes I may mention regret at allowing myself to get so big, but I guess what is meant to be will be and for some reason I was meant to take this journey... I think the answer as to why is close to presenting it self.  But in the mean time I am fairly content with enjoying life as it is and continuing on this path to even better health.

...crab apple city!

i find this song extremely motivating :)

...starships were meant to fly
hands up, and touch the sky
can't stop, 'cause we’re so high
let's do this one more time...

nicki minaj - starships

the proof is in the pudding, literally... okay so maybe not literal pudding, but cupcakes, chocolate and other such goodies.

this was our first cheat weekend since starting the zone.  we used to cheat weekly (which may be why we were losing weight at a snails pace), now we save it for the super special occasions.  and though it was certainly a special weekend and i welcomed the indulgence, i can't say it went off 100% without a hitch.

the fact of the matter is our bodies adjust to habits, patterns, exercise, the way we eat... after 6 weeks in the zone my body has grown to expect the same thing daily, this includes very little sugar (unless it comes from fruit) and very few carbs (once again only from fruits or veggies).  this weekend we blew both of those patterns out of the water.  yes i gained a few lbs (of which i know will fall back off rapidly after a few days), but what bothers me the most is how i feel.  at almost the first sight of high glycemic carbs and sugar my energy level was zapped.  yesterday was the first day in a LONG time that i actually felt like i could use a nap and fell asleep watching TV on the couch.  every weekend we have been pushing ourselves to run errands, hit the gym, etc and yesterday as much as we certainly needed the rest, i also didn't even have my normal energy to attempt to push myself.

being back to work today i was wondering why i was feeling kind of crabby for the first time in quite a while.  then it hit me, my eating was completely off track for 3 days and my body was feeling it.  when we started the zone diet i had felt like a fog had been lifted, literally.  after just a few days eating poorly the fog rapidly returned.  i am happy to know that it was just a weekend indulgence and that i am back on track and ready to push it hard again, but it was an interesting revelation to see just how well our bodies respond to eating a certain ratio of healthy foods.  i actually look forward to our homemade chicken barley soup and salad for dinner tonight! which is something i love about this diet!

i should also mention the extreme pain i felt in my stomach from being WAY too full after our big fancy meals and the horrible time i had adjusting back to smaller portions today ... not so fun!

in other news, have been wanting to try p90x for a while now and i just saw that one of our girls (the one and only teela tucker) is trying the insanity workout.  this has further peeked my interest.  more to come on this later!

sorry for the lack of uppercase letters, i felt like trying something new in honor of today's lethargy lol.

...thunder thighs!

Appropriate Whitney lyrics:

...I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all...

Whitney Houston - Greatest Love of All

I have officially lost 112lbs.  I am 3lbs away from seeing a number that I honestly do not remember seeing since I am at least 15 or 16 years old (if that).

I have lost 17lbs in one month since starting The Zone (which includes a week of being sick and having to eat soup and crackers, which are not part of the plan).

So can someone PLEASE explain to me why I was just catapulted back to being 10 years old again and in 5th grade when the LOSER "Comedy Central Show" pusher down in Times Square told me I had big thighs?

Picture it, 1991.  After losing 15lbs of baby fat I start 4th grade "thinner" than I had been since I was probably 6 years old.  2nd and 3rd grade were rough for me, immediately following my parents divorce and my first introduction to my Dad's struggles with staying "sober", my weight begins to increase.

The boys, who probably secretly liked me anyway, and some who were chubby themselves, coin an awesome name for me; "Thunder Thighs"... that name and the stigma attached to it have followed me for my entire life.

I had just LOST weight, how in gods name were they calling me THUNDER THIGHS?  Here we go again, I have again just lost weight, how am I STILL being ridiculed for the way I look?!  I wanted to turn around to the guy downstairs who thought it was necessary to disrespect and point out the size of a woman's thighs and either punch him or scream "YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ME 112lbs AGO ... SORRY THAT YOU ARE JUST MISERABLE BECAUSE YOU PEDDLE COMEDY SHOWS IN TIMES SQUARE AND I AM A BEAUTIFUL SUCCESSFUL WOMAN THAT WOULD NEVER EVEN CONSIDER GLANCING IN YOUR DIRECTION" ... I honestly do not even KNOW what he looked like. I kept walking as he spoke to the back of me.

Will I ever break free of the name Thunder Thighs?  Will my thighs EVER be thin?  I honestly have no idea... Maybe it's just the way I am built ... but am I going to have to hear it forever?  How am I going to learn to NOT be transmitted back to 10 year old me at the mention of the size of my thighs?

To be quite honest, I wasn't even that over weight... the problem is that being told I was over weight, being led to believe it was a problem, having it be the focus of everything I did or ate, etc... in a way it forced me to self fulfill a false prophecy.  Tell someone they are something for long enough and they begin to believe it and become that something.  When I began college I was the weight I am approaching now.  There was no reason to let my weight balloon the way that it did, but I self fulfilled the prophecy I had been hearing since "Thunder Thighs" had begun being snickered in my direction in elementary school.

This is not meant to be a cry fest about being bullied ... it is my own journey.  It is something I will work through and figure out.  But I know one thing for sure, I will never again allow myself to self fulfill a false prophecy.  And at least I now know, after coming this far, that it really doesn't matter who thinks my thighs are big or small or in between.  What matters is how I feel about me ... I just have to keep reminding my 10 year old self of the same thing.

...lessons learned!

Hard to pick a song today, so many inspirations ...  but this seems to fit best in describing how it sometimes feels when you're trying to make a life change & walk a new somewhat unfamiliar path:

...I’ll pick you up when you’re down
Be there when no one’s around
When you’re in unfamiliar places
Count on me through life’s changes

I’m in tune with how you feel
Everything bout this is real
When you’re in unfamiliar places
Count on me through life’s changes...

Leona Lewis/Avicii - Collide

Just when you think  you have all the answers, you've done the research, you have the plan, things start off with a bang ... you hit a slight road bump that reminds you that you're only human.

Last night was a hell of a night at the gym and that night has kind of carried into the first part of today.  I am hoping blogging about it can clear my mind and help me to move out of this funk!

Sunday we had a great work out.  Chest & triceps, followed by our own Spinning routine & abs.
Monday was an off day.
Tuesday I decided I may want to get certified to teach Spinning and we had an awesome class that night.  Probably the best class since Carla's last.
Wednesday we did a great leg workout and I succeeded at running 1 full mile, coupled with walking, followed by abs.

Cut to Thursday night.  Now after working out a few days in a row it's possible that I was just tired.  It's possible that I am tired period.  I have been riding on a high of the new diet and great workouts, perhaps I am just crashing a bit.  I arrive at the gym and it's looking like I may get started by 6:30, bonus!  Well one thing leads to another and I'm held up in the locker room and I don't begin my warm up on the arm bike until 6:45, fine.  I decided to try out a new back and bicep routine, as I am fairly new to separating my upper body parts in this manner and never paid as much attention to my back and biceps, which are very important to focus on.  A strong back leads to a strong core and all that jazz.  I had read it is best to start with lat pull downs and I attempted the wide grip for the first time.  Moving right along, after 3 sets of wide grip I proceed to do close grip.  At this point I am feeling good, I notice my back is stronger than even last week and one of the guys actually started talking to me, so that was nice.  He helped me change the bar out on the machine bc I definitely wasn't tall enough to manage that without killing myself.  After some lat sets I moved on to seated cable rows ... good work.  Time to tackle something new, t-bar rows.  So here I am, completely foreign to this machine, having only seen one other guy do it once and no one in sight who can help me out.  I literally had to change the weights about 4 times before I realized I couldn't successfully lift more than the bar itself.  After 3 sets of 12 (struggling to do 6 at a time), I was over my back routine.  I attempted some single arm dumbbell rows, rather unsuccessfully.  Next was time for biceps ... I did a few new things and definitely was happy that I had tried 9 different work outs for back and biceps as opposed to the only 6 I had done the week before, even if it was a little all over the place.

Time for cardio, which was the complete bust of the night.  Cardio has become something that I fiend for.  I NEVER liked cardio before.  Seriously, when you are over weight cardio is just NOT easy!  But it's vital for calorie burnage, sweatage and over all fat burnage.  Since trying to become a runner and adopting Spinning into our routine, cardio has become like a drug.  When I can't get my proper cardio fix I clearly become very agitated.  Wednesday night I had a rough run.  I was hocking a lung and my stomach was killing me because I had yogurt for snack before the gym, NEVER AGAIN!  My iPod was acting up and sound was only coming out of one side of my ear buds.  THEN as I am trying to finish strong, my treadmill just STOPS mid run!  Needless to say it was challenging, but I ended up completing what I had set out to do, even if I felt like my mouth was lined with cotton and there were knives in my stomach.  Last night, I assume that I'm all set!  I had my Zone bar, so my stomach was not full at all.  I was chewing gum, so my mouth would stay nice and moist, I had my other iPod, so the music would not fail me.  I was pumped for an awesome run... until I hit the treadmill and realized the epic wardrobe fail I had committed on this fine Thursday evening.  One, (sorry to get personal) but I was not wearing the proper under-roos.  I have really comfy and really amazing New Balance roos that I always wear when I run because they literally do not budge and they wick moisture.  Two, the brand new capri compression work out pants that Lisa JUST bought me for Christmas are now FAR too big on me.  So here I am, trying my best to push myself to run another mile and my pants are literally SLIDING down on me.  I swear if I didn't stop I was going to moon the entire gym.  These pants are a month old and completely useless (except maybe for Spin because the saddle will keep them from riding down on me).  I was SO MAD!  I ended up walking for 10 minutes, but I could barely stand it bc I had to keep hiking my pants up.  I then moved over to these old school Precors.  They are so weird, the track the foot pedals run on is in the front, so you feel like your kicking your legs out like a weirdo.  After 3 minutes on that I was over it.

So now I am having an internal battle with myself, do I stay or do I go?  Lisa wasn't able to join me at the gym last night so I figured, well she's not here, so maybe I can go easy on myself?  NO!  Not allowed!  She's smaller than me, I have to kick my butt a little harder.  Then I'm like but do I really want to go home alone late?  YES!  I'll be fine ... I CAN NOT GIVE UP!  Since I had already missed Spin class I decided to give the stationary bike a try.  The first bike I sat on was broken ... AWESOME!  So now I am going back to the newer Precors that I love.  I forced myself to do it, I had to have an awesome work out and push myself to finish strong.  I could not let this entire cardio routine be a bust.  Some amazing songs came on my iPod and I treated it like a Spinning bike.  I even counted "1,2" to myself to keep my pace fast.  At the appropriate times I would sprint as fast as I could and then I would challenge myself to "run" an entire song.  A lot of inspirational thoughts flooded my mind, the songs reminded me of some battles I over came in Spinning class, which of course then made me sad because it was Thursday night and I wasn't where I had been every Thursday for the past few months with my favorite instructor barking in my face for motivation.  I had to bark in my own face and find the inner strength to not give up.  And I did it, which was of course emotional as well.  By the end I had gotten my heart rate up to 85% and I felt good.  I decided to do a traditional Spinning stretch cool down routine and "Titanium" came on, which was kind of the perfect ending to the night I had just gone through.

After all that though I had to deal with my biggest pet peeve in the locker room on my way out ... NAKEDNESS!  Which I swear is another blog for another day because I have so much disdain for these naked women who think it's okay to just rub lotion on their body parts for hours on end wearing literally nothing.  HELLO THIS IS NOT  YOUR HOUSE!  AT LEAST PUT ON SOME UNDER GARMENTS PLEASE!  NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR NAKED ASS!

Just when I thought my night was possibly going to turn around (nakedness anger aside), after all I was on my way to my warm house and my snuggly kitten to enjoy some relaxation and a delicious meal, what could go wrong?  I look down at my bag on the Subway and notice that in my rush to get out of the locker room and away from the nakedness as quickly as possible I did not properly close my shaker bottle and now my entire bag is dowsed in Amino Acide drink, AWESOME!

Whatever ... the night ended fine ... except for some weird dreams throughout the night.  It's now Friday morning and I made a mistake I knew I should not have made.  I need to stop weighing myself every day.  The scale is not moving this week the way it did last week and it is really starting to piss me off.  Which lead to me having a HORRIBLE morning.  Of course now that the scale is not moving I feel gross about myself and nothing feels like it fits right and I just basically want to scream.  I just couldn't fathom how I have been working my ass off to NO avail this week.  But then I remember that I DID lose 11lbs last week and maybe my body is like HEY WAIT THAT WAS TOO FAST!  It was just such a tease.  I know I will wake up on Sunday or Monday and weigh myself again and I am sure there will be a loss of some sort, but until then I am nervous that I did something wrong this week.  It's not a good feeling, but I guess I can't expect every week to be like the first week.  There will be good ones, there will be bad ones, I can't expect everything to go perfectly smoothly ... it's just a matter of accepting that and not letting it get me down for too long.

It's a process, it's a journey, blah blah blah ... some days I just want to be at the finish line already.  I have been working at this for so long and I know that I have to be patient since we only just started the diet, but patience is NOT one of my virtues, it's something I have to work on daily.  I am going to try to forget about last night and this morning and move on.  Today is a gym off day so I'll enjoy the relaxation and give my body a chance to recover and come back strong tomorrow.  I can't guarantee I won't weigh myself, because I am obsessed with the results, but I have to accept the outcome if that is the choice I make and not let it bring me down.  It has to force me to keep making the proper changes and adjustments to stay on the right track.  I have over come some challenges, changing the diet was not even as hard as I imagined it to be (especially on the weekdays), but giving up more than one cup of caffeine a day, not cheating on weekends and at events, making sure I push myself to get to the gym NO less than 4 days, these are all positive changes I have made.  My hunger has lessened, I feel better over all, my energy is through the roof, I sleep slightly better, I have to try to look at all of the positives rather than rush the results and beat myself up for a somewhat bad night at the gym.  It's all going to come together at some point and the ending will probably be better than I can even imagine, it's just a matter of keeping the faith along the way!

Happy Friday, hope everyone has a fantabulous weekend :)

... to instruct or not to instruct?

This song never fails to bring a tear to my eye, especially during an intense workout:

...I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of time

Know there was something that, and something that I left behind

When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets

Leave something to remember, so they won't forget

I was here...

I lived, I loved

I was here...

I did, I've done everything that I wanted

And it was more than I thought it would be

I will leave my mark so everyone will know

I was here...

I want to say I lived each day, until I died

And know that I meant something in, somebody's life

The hearts I have touched, will be the proof that I lived

That I made a difference, and this world will see

I was here...

Beyonce - I Was Here

So, I am seriously considering becoming a certified Spinning instructor.  It seems like a challenge that would be really good for me.  A lot of thoughts flood my mind when considering this.  I know that I am not in the best shape YET, but I am getting there and what better than an instructor who is on the journey along with the students?  I really love Spinning and I would love to inspire others the way my instructors inspired me.  I just don't know if I have been doing it long enough to instruct yet.  I mean, I know I'm a smart person and pick things up in a second, but what if I am not ready?  I wouldn't want to be a joke of an instructor.  Then I think of some of the horrible classes I have gone to and I know I could do a better job than those instructors, but to each his own of course.

The other issue is, as outgoing and personable as I am, I am afraid that I'll be nervous!  I know I'd get used to it and comfortable in no time, but I would have such jitters my first class.  I'd be thinking that the whole class is wondering why this over weight girl is instructing a fitness class.  I guess part of my introduction would have to address that I am along for the journey to better health along with them and let them know of my own success found through Spinning.  I would be worried they'd hate the routine or hate the music, I'd be totally freaked out the first few times haha!  Seriously, for a boisterous & confident Leo you'd never think I'd be so concerned with what other people think of me!  But it is always a challenge to put yourself out there, especially in a field that is somewhat foreign to you.  I mean, I have been practicing a healthy lifestyle fairly steadily since 2008 and really on and off my entire life, but I am just not at my goal yet and that's what scares me about being in a fitness spotlight.

On the other hand, why should I wait until I am at my goal to do something I possibly love?  I think becoming an instructor could open the door for me in so many ways.  It would make me more confident in a fitness setting, it would help me to meet new people, inspire others, continue to get in shape while doing something I love.  I think it would also help with my stage fright.  Yes folks, this Leo occasionally gets stage fright.  It all goes back to high school...

When I was a kid I was in dance, I did plays, I was a ham of a ham bone, to say the least.  Then I began to gain some weight, my dance school closed, and adolescence kicked in.  We also moved school districts twice so I never had a chance to set my roots in anywhere and get comfortable for long enough.  I think if I would've stayed in Comsewogue or Mount Sinai I would have had a different high school experience.  Not that Port Jeff wasn't a great school, but it was hard being the new girl in a small district where the majority of kids had known each other since practically pre-school.  I was also discovering myself, so it was an awkward time all around.  I still was in Choir and Acting & Directing class, but I was seriously lacking the confidence and comfort I had as a child.  It could have had to do with my weight, being new, a whole range of things, but whatever the case I never quite felt like I fit in perfectly (who does in high school though).  Being the huge Broadway geek that I was, I was obsessed with the musical "Into The Woods".  I decided to audition for the high school production and I completely choked.  I will NEVER forget that day or that feeling.  It was pretty much my first and last audition, ever.  It scared me from ever trying again, which probably wasn't cool, but what do you know when you're 14 and 15 years old?

I took a step back from the high school Drama world, but I still had my theater life on the side.  I put myself where I was comfortable, which oddly enough was in the "Big City".  I took the two hour train ride into Manhattan almost weekly to see shows (mostly Rent) and to see my friends.  I felt like I fit into this world more than into my high school world.  Maybe I secretly knew I was gay, maybe I just didn't feel like I fit into the Port Jeff image, whatever the case, I knew that I felt happiest in my Manhattan Broadway world.  I had dreams of going to NYU for Theater, but I was too afraid to audition, I decided on Hofstra and though not the most well known for the Arts, it was close enough to the city yet still close enough to home (plus I didn't have to audition lol).  Life happens for a reason and had I not gone to Hofstra I would not be who I am today nor would I have some very important people in my life :)  

I ended up changing majors to Film, because I was too afraid to be in the Theater spotlight.  I don't know what happened to me.  I had no problem shining with my friends, I even became a Resident Assistant and Assistant Director and had no problem leading my peers and fellow RA's.  But for some reason I was just not ready for the actual stage.  For the stage of "life" I could kick ass, but don't even think about putting me on a REAL stage and asking me to perform as a character.  I thought this meant I wanted to be in production (behind the camera/stage), but what it really meant is that I was just copping out of the challenge.  What I am also realizing is that I don't think I was being honest to myself about who I really was, so how was I to be comfortable playing a character if I didn't even know who I was?  That's one of my issues I guess, I can't really fake things.  I am too real to be fake and I couldn't be comfortable being someone else if I wasn't comfortable being me yet.

I have come a long way since then and I am not about to cop out of another challenge.  I promised myself that I would get over what happened at that high school audition, but not until I got to my goal weight.  Here we go, another delay to doing what I really wanted to be doing.  Last winter I gave up on that delay, after losing 100lbs I decided to give it another shot and I took my first Improv class and I LOVED IT!  Since then I have not had the opportunity to get back on stage, but I was really comfortable in Improv and I think I know why.  I was completely myself.  During our first class I introduced myself during our opening stretches and I announced that I would be marrying my fiance, who is a woman, in just a few weeks.  Bam, that was it, this is me, nothing to hide.  Well the class embraced it just fine and I was free to be me, I didn't have to hide.  I had recently lost a great deal of weight, I was about to marry my soul mate and I was finally doing something that I had always wanted to do.  I told the class that I promised myself I would get back into acting after I lost weight and though I wasn't quite at my goal yet, what better time to start than after a 100lb loss.  I was so proud of myself for NOT waiting until I hit my goal.  Finances and time restraints have kept me from taking another class, but that was a big turning point for me.

I still have fears, I still question whether or not I am good enough to take my comedic ideas, my writing, my interests, to another level.  But I'm a work in progress.  I made a choice to focus on my weight loss at the moment and I think it was a smart choice.  Once I feel like my body is in a good enough place I would like to get head shots and take some snap shots to send off to different agencies and see if some type of Plus Sized Modeling would be an option.  I have to try all of these avenues so I can say that I did my best to achieve my dreams...

This brings me back to becoming a Spinning instructor.  I think that it might be a good way for me to get over some of my fears of being in front of an audience who are not my friends while being in a physically vulnerable position.  Yeah, I might want to vomit during my first few classes, sure some of the students might not love my class, but these are the risks we take.  Not everyone is always going to love everything we do.  Sometimes I fear things unnecessarily and the good usually far outweighs the bad.  After reading "My Year With Eleanor" I feel as though this might be a good fear for me to over come.  It's time for me to practice what I preach and take the plunge on a new level.  If my focus right now is on my weight loss then what can I do that incorporates getting on "stage" while also getting fit?  Obviously the answer is right in front of me.

I am going to talk to one of our instructors at our gym and see if she would even give me a chance if I got certified.  Nothing wrong with taking the first step.  The certification doesn't look like anything I can't handle, I just don't love having to spend the money.  But if it means I can do something I love, make a difference, help myself, help others & continue to get in shape while getting over my stage fright all at once, it may be worth it to give it a shot!

We shall see...

...psychics, therapy, an astrological break down!

Obsession of the day:

...It's, not, how you start, it's how you finish,

And it's, not, where you're from, it's where you're at...

The Hours - Ali In The Jungle

I went to a psychic once, she said she could see me being a therapist in my future. At the time I didn't want to hear it, as that had never been an idea for a career path for myself. I actually was irritated that she would even suggest such a path, having dreams of fame and fortune, but some days I can see what she may have meant. She also said she saw me having a falling out with a close friend. I did not want to believe her by any means what so ever, but she was right. Shortly after that a misunderstanding with a close friend caused us to lose touch for quite a while. At the time I was too caught up in life and too young to take what the psychic said seriously. But she was obviously correct, whether I wanted to hear it or not. I think that means she may have been right about the therapist thing in a sense. But not in those exact terms.

Side Note: Currently I am listening to my new running playlist and loving it ...

Anyway, back to the therapist thing. I seem to have a knack for understanding people, it's really weird. Whether I just met you, have known you a short time, or a long while, I can pretty much help people figure out whatever it is they are going through. It's like something just clicks in my mind and I can almost see inside of them, I know that sounds creepy, but I think the correct term is that I am extremely insightful and have a good way of digging beneath the surface of any situation. It is actually something I pride myself on, it makes me feel like I can really help if someone needs it. Sometimes though, it may be too much for some, but I do the best I can to gauge my response to whatever state they seem to be in. Something that has to do with this as well is Astrology, I know it sounds weird, but if I know your Zodiac sign I feel like I already know the way you do things or feel about situations or how you will react. I know a lot of people don't believe in Zodiac signs or Astrology, but if you know me you know that it's something I find very interesting and know a lot about.

Today, for example, I heard producers in my studio talking about Leo's. You know I had to chime in and find out who was a Leo! Which got us into a discussion on signs and rising signs. This prompted me to look up my chart for the 17 thousandth time in my life. And for some reason what I read today seemed more true than ever before!

A break down of what I learned (again) lol:

Sun is in 20 Degrees Leo:

More than a bit of a showoff, you love to be the center of attention! But others do not usually mind because they tend to enjoy your genuine warmth and affection. Very spirited and willful, proud and self-important at times, you demand your own way. You are quite honest, however, and the respect of others is very important to you. You never compromise yourself and you pursue your goals with persistence and dedication. Your regal presence and demeanor draws you to positions of leadership and authority. But beware of being overly hardheaded, domineering, ostentatious or patronizing or you will lose the goodwill and admiration that you enjoy. Very theatrical, you live life on a grand scale wherever and whenever possible. Your strength and energy vitalizes those who come in contact with you.

No explanation necessary, lol. And although I do enjoy my own way most of the time, I think I have learned to take a step back and just let whatever happen happen. I'd rather not ruffle feathers most of the time, even if I think my way is better lol. Most of the time I am actually happy to try something a new way anyway :)

Rising Sign is in 17 Degrees Aries:

You are a free spirit and you must be first at everything you do. Very energetic, self-assertive and active, things must be done your way. Even though you may feel calm and serene on the inside, you certainly do not act that way. You want to do everything full-tilt, 100 miles per hour! A great competitor, but a poor cooperator -- you must learn how to lose more gracefully. Very self-confident, ambitious and passionate, you radiate positive energy. You are blunt and direct, but at times unfeeling and tactless, especially if anyone offers you any resistance. You fight for your beliefs, but your tendency to act first and think later often causes you much grief.

Now, as much as this is true, I of course have to disagree with some of it. I think with age I have learned to be okay with losing sometimes, but I am certainly hardest on myself when I have a personal loss. For example, a bad work out, a week where I didn't lose a pound, etc. As a child I may have needed to beat you at a game or competition, but I think we all grow out of that stage (hopefully)! I certainly can be blunt and direct, but after being taken wrong one too many times I have also learned to curb that. Life is a learning experience, it's not okay to be a jack ass and say "welp, sorry, it's my Aries rising" lol! Nobody wants to be hated (there's my Leo sun sign) for being an unfeeling blunt jerk! Yes, sometimes I speak before I think, but I make a serious effort to use my noggin before I do so nowadays ;) I don't know if it's my age, or life in general, but this has been a time of reflection for me. I have spent a lot of time thinking about where I used to be and who I am today. As much as I am proud to be a crazy ass Leo with Aries rising, I also know that it can cause me to make rash decisions if I don't do my best to be an adult and reign myself in from time to time. That's also what my Earth sign wife is for lol!

Moon is in 12 Degrees Gemini:

Restless in the extreme, you are easily bored because of your short attention span. Your emotions change rapidly and you love to talk about your feelings. Generally, you have good judgment -- your intellect controls your emotions and you do not overreact emotionally to things. A good jack-of-all-trades, you have many- sided interests and enjoy reasoning things through. With your mental agility and need for physical mobility, you are attracted to traveling and learning about other peoples and cultures. You have vivid powers of emotional self-expression - - you can be a nonstop talker. You love to share your ideas with anyone who will listen.

This is where it gets interesting! The first two signs of my chart are in fire and my moon is in air, which fuels fire. I know for a fact that my Gemini moon can make me a little crazy sometimes. Lisa also has a Gemini moon, which is also why we get each other so well. Gemini moons are special haha. The moon controls your emotions, imagine having a sign symbolized by twins that controls your emotions! This definitely means that my emotions are ever changing, even if I do not express that outwardly. I feel like this description is me to a t. Especially the intellectual aspect of it. Get me started on a topic, especially something I feel passionate about, and we can go on for days. Lisa and I never run out of things to talk about and when we are in our reflective moods it is a sight to behold! I think that this is a reason I am so insightful at reading others as well. I am very comfortable talking about emotions because I run the gamut when it comes to them. I also love to figure out the inner workings of what makes us tick.

Mercury is in 09 Degrees Virgo:

Very thorough and efficient, you pay attention to the minor but important details of any project. You are a careful thinker who can learn complicated, intricate techniques. You are attracted to practical, useful skills and are probably good at working with your hands. You are very critical of yourself and others, sometimes too much so, and you get the reputation of being a nag or of being nit-picky. Your first reaction to any situation is to try to organize, classify and analyze everything!

This is so me, especially with our home and my appearance. I can be such a nerd sometimes and I am totally Rain Man when it comes to memorizing things and reciting them back. I have been told I may have a photographic memory. I am a perfectionist, enough said.

Venus is in 29 Degrees Cancer:

You like to be very close to other people. You need emotional support yourself and are willing to give it to others. When you feel unloved and insecure, you can be very jealous and possessive. You are not interested in casual or superficial relationships -- only deep emotional involvements interest you. Your faithful devotion is one of your greatest gifts, but be careful not to become too dependent on others. Learn to stand on your own two feet and demand your own rights once in a while.

This may explain why I have been with my wife for almost 11 years, aside from the fact that she's amazing, obviously! I definitely have the ability to love deeply. I also credit that to growing up very close to my parents who both loved me unconditionally and showered me with affection! I consider myself lucky to be able to love so freely and I certainly tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. Due to this, I have gotten hurt before, which is where I can understand when they say be careful not to become too dependent on others. It's important to receive respect and not give to the point of not being appreciated. I definitely don't mind giving and not receiving, but when something becomes completely one sided it's not okay. This is something else i have learned with age and life experience. I don't open myself up to be hurt as often as I used to.

Mars is in 06 Degrees Scorpio:

Your likes and dislikes are strong and intense, never casual or superficial. You are known for your persistence and willful obsession. Once you have decided on a course of action, you are unstoppable. Your emotional actions tend to be extreme, although you try to keep them muted. You are not quick to anger, you do slow burns. And you tend to release your anger as sarcasm or irony. Beware of your tendency to hold grudges and to be vengeful. When you do fight, or release your internal tensions, you do so body and soul -- you become totally passionate and your outbursts are awesome to behold.

This is also so true, I know what I like and what I don't like, it's very simple. I don't get angry often but when I do finally break down it's not pretty lol. I also rarely cry, when I do it's definitely probably misguided or I will let it all out in one burst. Damn these planets and their control over me haha ;)

Jupiter is in 03 Degrees Scorpio:

You love to dig deep beneath surface appearances in order to find out what is really happening. A persistent researcher, you are very interested in the psychology of any situation. You tend to become overwhelmed by the complexity of what you uncover, however, and that makes you a bit gun-shy about explaining things to others. But you must learn to try to communicate as best you can because what you know is really very valuable to others.

Also very true, which brings me back to my thoughts on "therapy" and how I love to help "theraparize" others. My Mom has a super stressful job and I know her really well (obviously). I love when I can try to talk her through a situation and she tells me later that it really helped her to get through her work, or whatever she was going through at that moment. I love being able to see past the surface of how someone is feeling or acting and help to calm them down with what's really possibly bothering them. It means a lot to me when I can lend insight and support to someone I care about.

Does this mean I want to become a Therapist? Not at all ... but it reminds me of something pertaining to my dreams. I think I know what that psychic might have meant when she saw me "counseling" others and I know why have been blessed with a gift of insight and a love for people. Now, to make that dream a reality is a whole new challenge...

Stay tuned ;)

If you'd like to find out more about yourself and obtain your own Astrological Chart you can do so at:

http://alabe.com/freechart/

...musical_inspiration.com

This song deserves an entire blog, but it's inspiration for this entry:

A million miles away

Your signal in the distance

To whom it may concern

I think I lost my way

Getting good at starting over

Every time that I return

I'm learning to walk again

I believe I've waited long enough

Where do I begin?

I'm learning to talk again

Can't you see I've waited long enough

Where do I begin?

Do you remember the days

We built these paper mountains

And sat and watched them burn

I think I found my place

Can't you feel it growing stronger

Little conquerors

I'm learning to walk again

I believe I've waited long enough

Where do I begin?

I'm learning to talk again

I believe I've waited long enough

Where do I begin?

Now

For the very first time

Don't you pay no mind

Set me free again

To keep alive a moment at a time

But still inside a whisper to a riot

To sacrifice but knowing to survive

The first to climb another state of mind

I'm on my knees, I'm praying for a sign

Forever, whenever

I never wanna die

I never wanna die

I never wanna die

I'm on my knees

I never wanna die

I'm dancing on my grave

I'm running through the fire

Forever, whenever

I never wanna die

I never wanna leave

I never say goodbye

Forever, whenever, forever, whenever

I'm learning to walk again

I believe I've waited long enough

Where do I begin?

I'm learning to talk again

Can't you see I've waited long enough

Where do I begin?

I'm learning to walk again

I believe I've waited long enough

I'm learning to talk again

Can't you see I've waited long enough

Foo Fighters - Walk

This song ended the majority of our Spin classes for the past few months and though at the time it signaled the end of class and the motivation to finish strong along with it's inspirational lyrics & beat, today it means even more. Last night, alone on my stationary bike with the words resonating louder than ever through my iPod ear buds I had another revelation (and not just the revelation that I must look like a freak in the silent cardio room literally pounding on my bike at a million miles per hour lol). This song can be taken in any way, for any person, no matter what your struggle, we are all trying to find our way. Applied directly to weight loss it is literally like you are learning to walk and talk all over again. You have to actually retrain your body and mind which has been set in it's ways for however long you allowed yourself to be over weight or unhealthy. Lisa blogged earlier about the unknown of her appearance, which has a lot to do with this blog as well. I also have NO idea what I will look like thin. I try to picture it, pull my cheeks back, suck my stomach in, but I still have no idea of what the final product will be. What if my eyes are too big, my lips too huge, my nose too long, my ears too big, my hair too long or too short? What if I no longer like how I look thin? It's all a very interesting concept. Last night I asked Lisa if I had big knobby knees, imagine never knowing what your knees looked like before? At age 29 I am finally learning what my knees look like! She asked me the last time I saw my knees and I guessed age 7, I literally could not remember. Applying directly to the song "Walk", I do believe I have waited long enough. I honestly feel like I am learning to literally and simply walk again, call it muscle soreness, or my body reshaping, but I notice a difference in how I carry myself (which if you know me and how confident I already am is slightly scary lol). I feel my shoulders pushed back more, my back straighter, my legs pointing less inward. Whether it's a change in my muscles or how I feel about myself there is a definite change (not counting my bow legged mess walk today because of how badly my legs hurt lol). When the song says "where do I begin" it's interesting to note I have had a lot of beginnings in this journey, and that is honestly the best way to keep it new and interesting. Each new thing we have tried has been a beginning. But I credit the beginning of this leg of the journey to our new life in Astoria, we got a bit of a slow start, but we really kicked into gear with the weight loss when we started Spin in October. The song even applies to our new life and home in Astoria, but that is another blog for another day! One of the versus that means the most to me is the one I have "bolded" above. I think back to the days we sat and watched ourselves sabotage our health, our hard work, we literally "sat and watched them burn". But then he says "I think I found my place, can't you feel it growing stronger, little conquerors". I know I have found my place and it's strange to feel so content in knowing that, I like to think each obstacle is a little conquer. The excitement I feel is palpable. Once again, I feel like the sky is the limit. I need to apply that feeling to other areas of my life as well, but I am going to allow myself a minute to revel in this moment and succeed at the task at hand before I over fill my "plate" as I always tend to do.

Moving on, I had another physical break through last night as well. Back in the Summer we started running. I adopted a plan that had me running 1/4 mile week one, 1/2 mile week two, 3/4 mile week three, 1 mile week 4 and so on and so forth. Week one we would walk 3 laps and run 1 lap for 3 days, week two we would walk 2 laps and run 2 laps for 3 days, week three we would walk 1 lap and run 3 laps for 3 days and by week four we would run all four laps. I actually ended up running 2 straight miles by the end of the summer and I was so proud of myself. I had never ran before in my life and this was a huge accomplishment. We then joined Club Fitness and running kind of got put to the side a bit, it became harder when I wasn't doing it as often and then we became obsessed with Spin. Well last night we were warming up on the treadmills in the weight room before our leg routine. We had done Jillian the night before so I was already pretty sore but the walking was working it out. About 2 minutes into my walk the song "Titanium" came on over the gym stereo system. This song, reminding me of our amazing Spin classes, inspired me to try out my running again. I cranked up the treadmill to 4.2 (hey it may not be much, but that used to be my max speed) and I started off. I ended up running through the entire song and completing 1/4 mile, which was probably my fastest 1/4 mile ever. I felt amazing, my body felt stronger, my legs (though burning from Jillian) felt lighter, I got my heart rate up above 160 right away. It was an invigorating feeling. I felt like I was floating through the run while the song pushed me to finish strong (of course with a little dancing and fist pumping in between). This set the momentum for our entire work out where we started using our exercise journal to log our weights and reps on our circuit routines. We ended with some cardio on the stationary bikes, and though not my favorite piece of equipment, I broke quite a sweat and used my playlist to push myself through a series of hills and sprints (I find interval training to be most effective, personally). I am really proud of us for kicking our own butts. We came home sore and exhausted but we felt so accomplished. It's hard to put the feeling into words, but I can just see how far we have come and how much further we are going to go and it's an amazing feeling.

As for the diet, I capped out at 6lbs lost in 3 days, today my weight stayed the same. I think I am done weighing myself until next Monday. It's not healthy to weigh yourself daily anyway. The adjustment at work was not as hard as I predicted it to be. Hunger pains go away and they definitely don't kill you. Training my body to eat less is something I never really allowed myself to do. I actually am fearing my body adjusting too quickly and having to lower my caloric intake if I see slower losses, but we will see how I do a few weeks on the current individualized plan. Each level is based on your weight and activity level, you adjust as you go along and increase activity or fall into a new weight bracket.

I finally acquired some new clothes that fit me properly, not a ton, but it's a start and it's nice to be wearing an outfit that fits and isn't hanging off of me. I also, as stated above, cannot walk today, which is hilarious. Walking up the Subway steps was a total joke this morning! I guess between Sunday's upper circuit and Spin routine, Monday's Jillian & last night's leg circuit/cardio my body is just shot. Tonight I am going to see how I do on some back/bicep circuit training and probably do some running and then I am giving my body two days to recuperate. We will resume with Jillian on Saturday morning and probably gym on Sunday if we aren't dead tired. As much as it's great to get to the gym 5 days, you still need those days off for your muscles to repair, that is actually when they get stronger, on the off days.

Finally, I need to address an epidemic at our gym, and I am sure all gyms around the country. That epidemic is "Gym Bunnies", you all know who they are. The girls in full faces of makeup with their hair DOWN who like to "work out" in their skivvies. I was SO distracted last night by this one girl. She has this LONGGGG blonde hair DOWN HER BACK, full face of makeup, tight pants with her butt sticking out, tank with her boobs sticking out and she is going through a "routine" with her friend who is in STREET clothes and a GUY who is in jeans and a jacket just hanging out with them! Like wtf?!? What are you doing?!?! What is the point?!?! I was disgusted when I saw her flip her hair over the side of the machine to get it out of the way! Like honestly, you want to keep your make up on? Fine, even I do it sometimes and just wash it off after ... but put your DAMN hair up and tell your friends to go to Starbucks while you workout or put on some gym clothes of their own and do their own routine! Nobody needs to be distracted by your "I think I'm hot shit" attitude and your cronies following you around! Last time I checked this was a gym, where people come to sweat and get in shape! If I owned a gym I would be such a b*tch! And don't get me started on the girls in their onesies, yes I said onesies. I really wonder if they know how ridiculous they look in their unitards at the gym! I mean i'm sure its great, you don't have to worry about your clothes while your working out, but they leave NOTHING to the imagination and there are definitely no undergarments on under neath. They might as well be naked! I have no respect for them, as I'm sure they have no respect for me because I'm "fat" by their standards, but at least I have class.

I have not drank enough water today, so I am going to pound some fluid ounces and spend the rest of the afternoon living in the bathroom. I apologize for the long and slow nature of this blog as I am experiencing 3pm lethargy as well as listening to a very mellow playlist. I promise to return tomorrow with some more spunk & pzazz ;)

Toodles, kids!