This song never fails to bring a tear to my eye, especially during an intense workout:
...I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of time
Know there was something that, and something that I left behind
When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets
Leave something to remember, so they won't forget
I was here...
I lived, I loved
I was here...
I did, I've done everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know
I was here...
I want to say I lived each day, until I died
And know that I meant something in, somebody's life
The hearts I have touched, will be the proof that I lived
That I made a difference, and this world will see
I was here...
Beyonce - I Was Here
The other issue is, as outgoing and personable as I am, I am afraid that I'll be nervous! I know I'd get used to it and comfortable in no time, but I would have such jitters my first class. I'd be thinking that the whole class is wondering why this over weight girl is instructing a fitness class. I guess part of my introduction would have to address that I am along for the journey to better health along with them and let them know of my own success found through Spinning. I would be worried they'd hate the routine or hate the music, I'd be totally freaked out the first few times haha! Seriously, for a boisterous & confident Leo you'd never think I'd be so concerned with what other people think of me! But it is always a challenge to put yourself out there, especially in a field that is somewhat foreign to you. I mean, I have been practicing a healthy lifestyle fairly steadily since 2008 and really on and off my entire life, but I am just not at my goal yet and that's what scares me about being in a fitness spotlight.
On the other hand, why should I wait until I am at my goal to do something I possibly love? I think becoming an instructor could open the door for me in so many ways. It would make me more confident in a fitness setting, it would help me to meet new people, inspire others, continue to get in shape while doing something I love. I think it would also help with my stage fright. Yes folks, this Leo occasionally gets stage fright. It all goes back to high school...
When I was a kid I was in dance, I did plays, I was a ham of a ham bone, to say the least. Then I began to gain some weight, my dance school closed, and adolescence kicked in. We also moved school districts twice so I never had a chance to set my roots in anywhere and get comfortable for long enough. I think if I would've stayed in Comsewogue or Mount Sinai I would have had a different high school experience. Not that Port Jeff wasn't a great school, but it was hard being the new girl in a small district where the majority of kids had known each other since practically pre-school. I was also discovering myself, so it was an awkward time all around. I still was in Choir and Acting & Directing class, but I was seriously lacking the confidence and comfort I had as a child. It could have had to do with my weight, being new, a whole range of things, but whatever the case I never quite felt like I fit in perfectly (who does in high school though). Being the huge Broadway geek that I was, I was obsessed with the musical "Into The Woods". I decided to audition for the high school production and I completely choked. I will NEVER forget that day or that feeling. It was pretty much my first and last audition, ever. It scared me from ever trying again, which probably wasn't cool, but what do you know when you're 14 and 15 years old?
I took a step back from the high school Drama world, but I still had my theater life on the side. I put myself where I was comfortable, which oddly enough was in the "Big City". I took the two hour train ride into Manhattan almost weekly to see shows (mostly Rent) and to see my friends. I felt like I fit into this world more than into my high school world. Maybe I secretly knew I was gay, maybe I just didn't feel like I fit into the Port Jeff image, whatever the case, I knew that I felt happiest in my Manhattan Broadway world. I had dreams of going to NYU for Theater, but I was too afraid to audition, I decided on Hofstra and though not the most well known for the Arts, it was close enough to the city yet still close enough to home (plus I didn't have to audition lol). Life happens for a reason and had I not gone to Hofstra I would not be who I am today nor would I have some very important people in my life :)
I ended up changing majors to Film, because I was too afraid to be in the Theater spotlight. I don't know what happened to me. I had no problem shining with my friends, I even became a Resident Assistant and Assistant Director and had no problem leading my peers and fellow RA's. But for some reason I was just not ready for the actual stage. For the stage of "life" I could kick ass, but don't even think about putting me on a REAL stage and asking me to perform as a character. I thought this meant I wanted to be in production (behind the camera/stage), but what it really meant is that I was just copping out of the challenge. What I am also realizing is that I don't think I was being honest to myself about who I really was, so how was I to be comfortable playing a character if I didn't even know who I was? That's one of my issues I guess, I can't really fake things. I am too real to be fake and I couldn't be comfortable being someone else if I wasn't comfortable being me yet.
I have come a long way since then and I am not about to cop out of another challenge. I promised myself that I would get over what happened at that high school audition, but not until I got to my goal weight. Here we go, another delay to doing what I really wanted to be doing. Last winter I gave up on that delay, after losing 100lbs I decided to give it another shot and I took my first Improv class and I LOVED IT! Since then I have not had the opportunity to get back on stage, but I was really comfortable in Improv and I think I know why. I was completely myself. During our first class I introduced myself during our opening stretches and I announced that I would be marrying my fiance, who is a woman, in just a few weeks. Bam, that was it, this is me, nothing to hide. Well the class embraced it just fine and I was free to be me, I didn't have to hide. I had recently lost a great deal of weight, I was about to marry my soul mate and I was finally doing something that I had always wanted to do. I told the class that I promised myself I would get back into acting after I lost weight and though I wasn't quite at my goal yet, what better time to start than after a 100lb loss. I was so proud of myself for NOT waiting until I hit my goal. Finances and time restraints have kept me from taking another class, but that was a big turning point for me.
I still have fears, I still question whether or not I am good enough to take my comedic ideas, my writing, my interests, to another level. But I'm a work in progress. I made a choice to focus on my weight loss at the moment and I think it was a smart choice. Once I feel like my body is in a good enough place I would like to get head shots and take some snap shots to send off to different agencies and see if some type of Plus Sized Modeling would be an option. I have to try all of these avenues so I can say that I did my best to achieve my dreams...
This brings me back to becoming a Spinning instructor. I think that it might be a good way for me to get over some of my fears of being in front of an audience who are not my friends while being in a physically vulnerable position. Yeah, I might want to vomit during my first few classes, sure some of the students might not love my class, but these are the risks we take. Not everyone is always going to love everything we do. Sometimes I fear things unnecessarily and the good usually far outweighs the bad. After reading "My Year With Eleanor" I feel as though this might be a good fear for me to over come. It's time for me to practice what I preach and take the plunge on a new level. If my focus right now is on my weight loss then what can I do that incorporates getting on "stage" while also getting fit? Obviously the answer is right in front of me.
I am going to talk to one of our instructors at our gym and see if she would even give me a chance if I got certified. Nothing wrong with taking the first step. The certification doesn't look like anything I can't handle, I just don't love having to spend the money. But if it means I can do something I love, make a difference, help myself, help others & continue to get in shape while getting over my stage fright all at once, it may be worth it to give it a shot!
We shall see...
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