...lessons learned!

Hard to pick a song today, so many inspirations ...  but this seems to fit best in describing how it sometimes feels when you're trying to make a life change & walk a new somewhat unfamiliar path:

...I’ll pick you up when you’re down
Be there when no one’s around
When you’re in unfamiliar places
Count on me through life’s changes

I’m in tune with how you feel
Everything bout this is real
When you’re in unfamiliar places
Count on me through life’s changes...

Leona Lewis/Avicii - Collide

Just when you think  you have all the answers, you've done the research, you have the plan, things start off with a bang ... you hit a slight road bump that reminds you that you're only human.

Last night was a hell of a night at the gym and that night has kind of carried into the first part of today.  I am hoping blogging about it can clear my mind and help me to move out of this funk!

Sunday we had a great work out.  Chest & triceps, followed by our own Spinning routine & abs.
Monday was an off day.
Tuesday I decided I may want to get certified to teach Spinning and we had an awesome class that night.  Probably the best class since Carla's last.
Wednesday we did a great leg workout and I succeeded at running 1 full mile, coupled with walking, followed by abs.

Cut to Thursday night.  Now after working out a few days in a row it's possible that I was just tired.  It's possible that I am tired period.  I have been riding on a high of the new diet and great workouts, perhaps I am just crashing a bit.  I arrive at the gym and it's looking like I may get started by 6:30, bonus!  Well one thing leads to another and I'm held up in the locker room and I don't begin my warm up on the arm bike until 6:45, fine.  I decided to try out a new back and bicep routine, as I am fairly new to separating my upper body parts in this manner and never paid as much attention to my back and biceps, which are very important to focus on.  A strong back leads to a strong core and all that jazz.  I had read it is best to start with lat pull downs and I attempted the wide grip for the first time.  Moving right along, after 3 sets of wide grip I proceed to do close grip.  At this point I am feeling good, I notice my back is stronger than even last week and one of the guys actually started talking to me, so that was nice.  He helped me change the bar out on the machine bc I definitely wasn't tall enough to manage that without killing myself.  After some lat sets I moved on to seated cable rows ... good work.  Time to tackle something new, t-bar rows.  So here I am, completely foreign to this machine, having only seen one other guy do it once and no one in sight who can help me out.  I literally had to change the weights about 4 times before I realized I couldn't successfully lift more than the bar itself.  After 3 sets of 12 (struggling to do 6 at a time), I was over my back routine.  I attempted some single arm dumbbell rows, rather unsuccessfully.  Next was time for biceps ... I did a few new things and definitely was happy that I had tried 9 different work outs for back and biceps as opposed to the only 6 I had done the week before, even if it was a little all over the place.

Time for cardio, which was the complete bust of the night.  Cardio has become something that I fiend for.  I NEVER liked cardio before.  Seriously, when you are over weight cardio is just NOT easy!  But it's vital for calorie burnage, sweatage and over all fat burnage.  Since trying to become a runner and adopting Spinning into our routine, cardio has become like a drug.  When I can't get my proper cardio fix I clearly become very agitated.  Wednesday night I had a rough run.  I was hocking a lung and my stomach was killing me because I had yogurt for snack before the gym, NEVER AGAIN!  My iPod was acting up and sound was only coming out of one side of my ear buds.  THEN as I am trying to finish strong, my treadmill just STOPS mid run!  Needless to say it was challenging, but I ended up completing what I had set out to do, even if I felt like my mouth was lined with cotton and there were knives in my stomach.  Last night, I assume that I'm all set!  I had my Zone bar, so my stomach was not full at all.  I was chewing gum, so my mouth would stay nice and moist, I had my other iPod, so the music would not fail me.  I was pumped for an awesome run... until I hit the treadmill and realized the epic wardrobe fail I had committed on this fine Thursday evening.  One, (sorry to get personal) but I was not wearing the proper under-roos.  I have really comfy and really amazing New Balance roos that I always wear when I run because they literally do not budge and they wick moisture.  Two, the brand new capri compression work out pants that Lisa JUST bought me for Christmas are now FAR too big on me.  So here I am, trying my best to push myself to run another mile and my pants are literally SLIDING down on me.  I swear if I didn't stop I was going to moon the entire gym.  These pants are a month old and completely useless (except maybe for Spin because the saddle will keep them from riding down on me).  I was SO MAD!  I ended up walking for 10 minutes, but I could barely stand it bc I had to keep hiking my pants up.  I then moved over to these old school Precors.  They are so weird, the track the foot pedals run on is in the front, so you feel like your kicking your legs out like a weirdo.  After 3 minutes on that I was over it.

So now I am having an internal battle with myself, do I stay or do I go?  Lisa wasn't able to join me at the gym last night so I figured, well she's not here, so maybe I can go easy on myself?  NO!  Not allowed!  She's smaller than me, I have to kick my butt a little harder.  Then I'm like but do I really want to go home alone late?  YES!  I'll be fine ... I CAN NOT GIVE UP!  Since I had already missed Spin class I decided to give the stationary bike a try.  The first bike I sat on was broken ... AWESOME!  So now I am going back to the newer Precors that I love.  I forced myself to do it, I had to have an awesome work out and push myself to finish strong.  I could not let this entire cardio routine be a bust.  Some amazing songs came on my iPod and I treated it like a Spinning bike.  I even counted "1,2" to myself to keep my pace fast.  At the appropriate times I would sprint as fast as I could and then I would challenge myself to "run" an entire song.  A lot of inspirational thoughts flooded my mind, the songs reminded me of some battles I over came in Spinning class, which of course then made me sad because it was Thursday night and I wasn't where I had been every Thursday for the past few months with my favorite instructor barking in my face for motivation.  I had to bark in my own face and find the inner strength to not give up.  And I did it, which was of course emotional as well.  By the end I had gotten my heart rate up to 85% and I felt good.  I decided to do a traditional Spinning stretch cool down routine and "Titanium" came on, which was kind of the perfect ending to the night I had just gone through.

After all that though I had to deal with my biggest pet peeve in the locker room on my way out ... NAKEDNESS!  Which I swear is another blog for another day because I have so much disdain for these naked women who think it's okay to just rub lotion on their body parts for hours on end wearing literally nothing.  HELLO THIS IS NOT  YOUR HOUSE!  AT LEAST PUT ON SOME UNDER GARMENTS PLEASE!  NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR NAKED ASS!

Just when I thought my night was possibly going to turn around (nakedness anger aside), after all I was on my way to my warm house and my snuggly kitten to enjoy some relaxation and a delicious meal, what could go wrong?  I look down at my bag on the Subway and notice that in my rush to get out of the locker room and away from the nakedness as quickly as possible I did not properly close my shaker bottle and now my entire bag is dowsed in Amino Acide drink, AWESOME!

Whatever ... the night ended fine ... except for some weird dreams throughout the night.  It's now Friday morning and I made a mistake I knew I should not have made.  I need to stop weighing myself every day.  The scale is not moving this week the way it did last week and it is really starting to piss me off.  Which lead to me having a HORRIBLE morning.  Of course now that the scale is not moving I feel gross about myself and nothing feels like it fits right and I just basically want to scream.  I just couldn't fathom how I have been working my ass off to NO avail this week.  But then I remember that I DID lose 11lbs last week and maybe my body is like HEY WAIT THAT WAS TOO FAST!  It was just such a tease.  I know I will wake up on Sunday or Monday and weigh myself again and I am sure there will be a loss of some sort, but until then I am nervous that I did something wrong this week.  It's not a good feeling, but I guess I can't expect every week to be like the first week.  There will be good ones, there will be bad ones, I can't expect everything to go perfectly smoothly ... it's just a matter of accepting that and not letting it get me down for too long.

It's a process, it's a journey, blah blah blah ... some days I just want to be at the finish line already.  I have been working at this for so long and I know that I have to be patient since we only just started the diet, but patience is NOT one of my virtues, it's something I have to work on daily.  I am going to try to forget about last night and this morning and move on.  Today is a gym off day so I'll enjoy the relaxation and give my body a chance to recover and come back strong tomorrow.  I can't guarantee I won't weigh myself, because I am obsessed with the results, but I have to accept the outcome if that is the choice I make and not let it bring me down.  It has to force me to keep making the proper changes and adjustments to stay on the right track.  I have over come some challenges, changing the diet was not even as hard as I imagined it to be (especially on the weekdays), but giving up more than one cup of caffeine a day, not cheating on weekends and at events, making sure I push myself to get to the gym NO less than 4 days, these are all positive changes I have made.  My hunger has lessened, I feel better over all, my energy is through the roof, I sleep slightly better, I have to try to look at all of the positives rather than rush the results and beat myself up for a somewhat bad night at the gym.  It's all going to come together at some point and the ending will probably be better than I can even imagine, it's just a matter of keeping the faith along the way!

Happy Friday, hope everyone has a fantabulous weekend :)

... to instruct or not to instruct?

This song never fails to bring a tear to my eye, especially during an intense workout:

...I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of time

Know there was something that, and something that I left behind

When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets

Leave something to remember, so they won't forget

I was here...

I lived, I loved

I was here...

I did, I've done everything that I wanted

And it was more than I thought it would be

I will leave my mark so everyone will know

I was here...

I want to say I lived each day, until I died

And know that I meant something in, somebody's life

The hearts I have touched, will be the proof that I lived

That I made a difference, and this world will see

I was here...

Beyonce - I Was Here

So, I am seriously considering becoming a certified Spinning instructor.  It seems like a challenge that would be really good for me.  A lot of thoughts flood my mind when considering this.  I know that I am not in the best shape YET, but I am getting there and what better than an instructor who is on the journey along with the students?  I really love Spinning and I would love to inspire others the way my instructors inspired me.  I just don't know if I have been doing it long enough to instruct yet.  I mean, I know I'm a smart person and pick things up in a second, but what if I am not ready?  I wouldn't want to be a joke of an instructor.  Then I think of some of the horrible classes I have gone to and I know I could do a better job than those instructors, but to each his own of course.

The other issue is, as outgoing and personable as I am, I am afraid that I'll be nervous!  I know I'd get used to it and comfortable in no time, but I would have such jitters my first class.  I'd be thinking that the whole class is wondering why this over weight girl is instructing a fitness class.  I guess part of my introduction would have to address that I am along for the journey to better health along with them and let them know of my own success found through Spinning.  I would be worried they'd hate the routine or hate the music, I'd be totally freaked out the first few times haha!  Seriously, for a boisterous & confident Leo you'd never think I'd be so concerned with what other people think of me!  But it is always a challenge to put yourself out there, especially in a field that is somewhat foreign to you.  I mean, I have been practicing a healthy lifestyle fairly steadily since 2008 and really on and off my entire life, but I am just not at my goal yet and that's what scares me about being in a fitness spotlight.

On the other hand, why should I wait until I am at my goal to do something I possibly love?  I think becoming an instructor could open the door for me in so many ways.  It would make me more confident in a fitness setting, it would help me to meet new people, inspire others, continue to get in shape while doing something I love.  I think it would also help with my stage fright.  Yes folks, this Leo occasionally gets stage fright.  It all goes back to high school...

When I was a kid I was in dance, I did plays, I was a ham of a ham bone, to say the least.  Then I began to gain some weight, my dance school closed, and adolescence kicked in.  We also moved school districts twice so I never had a chance to set my roots in anywhere and get comfortable for long enough.  I think if I would've stayed in Comsewogue or Mount Sinai I would have had a different high school experience.  Not that Port Jeff wasn't a great school, but it was hard being the new girl in a small district where the majority of kids had known each other since practically pre-school.  I was also discovering myself, so it was an awkward time all around.  I still was in Choir and Acting & Directing class, but I was seriously lacking the confidence and comfort I had as a child.  It could have had to do with my weight, being new, a whole range of things, but whatever the case I never quite felt like I fit in perfectly (who does in high school though).  Being the huge Broadway geek that I was, I was obsessed with the musical "Into The Woods".  I decided to audition for the high school production and I completely choked.  I will NEVER forget that day or that feeling.  It was pretty much my first and last audition, ever.  It scared me from ever trying again, which probably wasn't cool, but what do you know when you're 14 and 15 years old?

I took a step back from the high school Drama world, but I still had my theater life on the side.  I put myself where I was comfortable, which oddly enough was in the "Big City".  I took the two hour train ride into Manhattan almost weekly to see shows (mostly Rent) and to see my friends.  I felt like I fit into this world more than into my high school world.  Maybe I secretly knew I was gay, maybe I just didn't feel like I fit into the Port Jeff image, whatever the case, I knew that I felt happiest in my Manhattan Broadway world.  I had dreams of going to NYU for Theater, but I was too afraid to audition, I decided on Hofstra and though not the most well known for the Arts, it was close enough to the city yet still close enough to home (plus I didn't have to audition lol).  Life happens for a reason and had I not gone to Hofstra I would not be who I am today nor would I have some very important people in my life :)  

I ended up changing majors to Film, because I was too afraid to be in the Theater spotlight.  I don't know what happened to me.  I had no problem shining with my friends, I even became a Resident Assistant and Assistant Director and had no problem leading my peers and fellow RA's.  But for some reason I was just not ready for the actual stage.  For the stage of "life" I could kick ass, but don't even think about putting me on a REAL stage and asking me to perform as a character.  I thought this meant I wanted to be in production (behind the camera/stage), but what it really meant is that I was just copping out of the challenge.  What I am also realizing is that I don't think I was being honest to myself about who I really was, so how was I to be comfortable playing a character if I didn't even know who I was?  That's one of my issues I guess, I can't really fake things.  I am too real to be fake and I couldn't be comfortable being someone else if I wasn't comfortable being me yet.

I have come a long way since then and I am not about to cop out of another challenge.  I promised myself that I would get over what happened at that high school audition, but not until I got to my goal weight.  Here we go, another delay to doing what I really wanted to be doing.  Last winter I gave up on that delay, after losing 100lbs I decided to give it another shot and I took my first Improv class and I LOVED IT!  Since then I have not had the opportunity to get back on stage, but I was really comfortable in Improv and I think I know why.  I was completely myself.  During our first class I introduced myself during our opening stretches and I announced that I would be marrying my fiance, who is a woman, in just a few weeks.  Bam, that was it, this is me, nothing to hide.  Well the class embraced it just fine and I was free to be me, I didn't have to hide.  I had recently lost a great deal of weight, I was about to marry my soul mate and I was finally doing something that I had always wanted to do.  I told the class that I promised myself I would get back into acting after I lost weight and though I wasn't quite at my goal yet, what better time to start than after a 100lb loss.  I was so proud of myself for NOT waiting until I hit my goal.  Finances and time restraints have kept me from taking another class, but that was a big turning point for me.

I still have fears, I still question whether or not I am good enough to take my comedic ideas, my writing, my interests, to another level.  But I'm a work in progress.  I made a choice to focus on my weight loss at the moment and I think it was a smart choice.  Once I feel like my body is in a good enough place I would like to get head shots and take some snap shots to send off to different agencies and see if some type of Plus Sized Modeling would be an option.  I have to try all of these avenues so I can say that I did my best to achieve my dreams...

This brings me back to becoming a Spinning instructor.  I think that it might be a good way for me to get over some of my fears of being in front of an audience who are not my friends while being in a physically vulnerable position.  Yeah, I might want to vomit during my first few classes, sure some of the students might not love my class, but these are the risks we take.  Not everyone is always going to love everything we do.  Sometimes I fear things unnecessarily and the good usually far outweighs the bad.  After reading "My Year With Eleanor" I feel as though this might be a good fear for me to over come.  It's time for me to practice what I preach and take the plunge on a new level.  If my focus right now is on my weight loss then what can I do that incorporates getting on "stage" while also getting fit?  Obviously the answer is right in front of me.

I am going to talk to one of our instructors at our gym and see if she would even give me a chance if I got certified.  Nothing wrong with taking the first step.  The certification doesn't look like anything I can't handle, I just don't love having to spend the money.  But if it means I can do something I love, make a difference, help myself, help others & continue to get in shape while getting over my stage fright all at once, it may be worth it to give it a shot!

We shall see...

...psychics, therapy, an astrological break down!

Obsession of the day:

...It's, not, how you start, it's how you finish,

And it's, not, where you're from, it's where you're at...

The Hours - Ali In The Jungle

I went to a psychic once, she said she could see me being a therapist in my future. At the time I didn't want to hear it, as that had never been an idea for a career path for myself. I actually was irritated that she would even suggest such a path, having dreams of fame and fortune, but some days I can see what she may have meant. She also said she saw me having a falling out with a close friend. I did not want to believe her by any means what so ever, but she was right. Shortly after that a misunderstanding with a close friend caused us to lose touch for quite a while. At the time I was too caught up in life and too young to take what the psychic said seriously. But she was obviously correct, whether I wanted to hear it or not. I think that means she may have been right about the therapist thing in a sense. But not in those exact terms.

Side Note: Currently I am listening to my new running playlist and loving it ...

Anyway, back to the therapist thing. I seem to have a knack for understanding people, it's really weird. Whether I just met you, have known you a short time, or a long while, I can pretty much help people figure out whatever it is they are going through. It's like something just clicks in my mind and I can almost see inside of them, I know that sounds creepy, but I think the correct term is that I am extremely insightful and have a good way of digging beneath the surface of any situation. It is actually something I pride myself on, it makes me feel like I can really help if someone needs it. Sometimes though, it may be too much for some, but I do the best I can to gauge my response to whatever state they seem to be in. Something that has to do with this as well is Astrology, I know it sounds weird, but if I know your Zodiac sign I feel like I already know the way you do things or feel about situations or how you will react. I know a lot of people don't believe in Zodiac signs or Astrology, but if you know me you know that it's something I find very interesting and know a lot about.

Today, for example, I heard producers in my studio talking about Leo's. You know I had to chime in and find out who was a Leo! Which got us into a discussion on signs and rising signs. This prompted me to look up my chart for the 17 thousandth time in my life. And for some reason what I read today seemed more true than ever before!

A break down of what I learned (again) lol:

Sun is in 20 Degrees Leo:

More than a bit of a showoff, you love to be the center of attention! But others do not usually mind because they tend to enjoy your genuine warmth and affection. Very spirited and willful, proud and self-important at times, you demand your own way. You are quite honest, however, and the respect of others is very important to you. You never compromise yourself and you pursue your goals with persistence and dedication. Your regal presence and demeanor draws you to positions of leadership and authority. But beware of being overly hardheaded, domineering, ostentatious or patronizing or you will lose the goodwill and admiration that you enjoy. Very theatrical, you live life on a grand scale wherever and whenever possible. Your strength and energy vitalizes those who come in contact with you.

No explanation necessary, lol. And although I do enjoy my own way most of the time, I think I have learned to take a step back and just let whatever happen happen. I'd rather not ruffle feathers most of the time, even if I think my way is better lol. Most of the time I am actually happy to try something a new way anyway :)

Rising Sign is in 17 Degrees Aries:

You are a free spirit and you must be first at everything you do. Very energetic, self-assertive and active, things must be done your way. Even though you may feel calm and serene on the inside, you certainly do not act that way. You want to do everything full-tilt, 100 miles per hour! A great competitor, but a poor cooperator -- you must learn how to lose more gracefully. Very self-confident, ambitious and passionate, you radiate positive energy. You are blunt and direct, but at times unfeeling and tactless, especially if anyone offers you any resistance. You fight for your beliefs, but your tendency to act first and think later often causes you much grief.

Now, as much as this is true, I of course have to disagree with some of it. I think with age I have learned to be okay with losing sometimes, but I am certainly hardest on myself when I have a personal loss. For example, a bad work out, a week where I didn't lose a pound, etc. As a child I may have needed to beat you at a game or competition, but I think we all grow out of that stage (hopefully)! I certainly can be blunt and direct, but after being taken wrong one too many times I have also learned to curb that. Life is a learning experience, it's not okay to be a jack ass and say "welp, sorry, it's my Aries rising" lol! Nobody wants to be hated (there's my Leo sun sign) for being an unfeeling blunt jerk! Yes, sometimes I speak before I think, but I make a serious effort to use my noggin before I do so nowadays ;) I don't know if it's my age, or life in general, but this has been a time of reflection for me. I have spent a lot of time thinking about where I used to be and who I am today. As much as I am proud to be a crazy ass Leo with Aries rising, I also know that it can cause me to make rash decisions if I don't do my best to be an adult and reign myself in from time to time. That's also what my Earth sign wife is for lol!

Moon is in 12 Degrees Gemini:

Restless in the extreme, you are easily bored because of your short attention span. Your emotions change rapidly and you love to talk about your feelings. Generally, you have good judgment -- your intellect controls your emotions and you do not overreact emotionally to things. A good jack-of-all-trades, you have many- sided interests and enjoy reasoning things through. With your mental agility and need for physical mobility, you are attracted to traveling and learning about other peoples and cultures. You have vivid powers of emotional self-expression - - you can be a nonstop talker. You love to share your ideas with anyone who will listen.

This is where it gets interesting! The first two signs of my chart are in fire and my moon is in air, which fuels fire. I know for a fact that my Gemini moon can make me a little crazy sometimes. Lisa also has a Gemini moon, which is also why we get each other so well. Gemini moons are special haha. The moon controls your emotions, imagine having a sign symbolized by twins that controls your emotions! This definitely means that my emotions are ever changing, even if I do not express that outwardly. I feel like this description is me to a t. Especially the intellectual aspect of it. Get me started on a topic, especially something I feel passionate about, and we can go on for days. Lisa and I never run out of things to talk about and when we are in our reflective moods it is a sight to behold! I think that this is a reason I am so insightful at reading others as well. I am very comfortable talking about emotions because I run the gamut when it comes to them. I also love to figure out the inner workings of what makes us tick.

Mercury is in 09 Degrees Virgo:

Very thorough and efficient, you pay attention to the minor but important details of any project. You are a careful thinker who can learn complicated, intricate techniques. You are attracted to practical, useful skills and are probably good at working with your hands. You are very critical of yourself and others, sometimes too much so, and you get the reputation of being a nag or of being nit-picky. Your first reaction to any situation is to try to organize, classify and analyze everything!

This is so me, especially with our home and my appearance. I can be such a nerd sometimes and I am totally Rain Man when it comes to memorizing things and reciting them back. I have been told I may have a photographic memory. I am a perfectionist, enough said.

Venus is in 29 Degrees Cancer:

You like to be very close to other people. You need emotional support yourself and are willing to give it to others. When you feel unloved and insecure, you can be very jealous and possessive. You are not interested in casual or superficial relationships -- only deep emotional involvements interest you. Your faithful devotion is one of your greatest gifts, but be careful not to become too dependent on others. Learn to stand on your own two feet and demand your own rights once in a while.

This may explain why I have been with my wife for almost 11 years, aside from the fact that she's amazing, obviously! I definitely have the ability to love deeply. I also credit that to growing up very close to my parents who both loved me unconditionally and showered me with affection! I consider myself lucky to be able to love so freely and I certainly tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. Due to this, I have gotten hurt before, which is where I can understand when they say be careful not to become too dependent on others. It's important to receive respect and not give to the point of not being appreciated. I definitely don't mind giving and not receiving, but when something becomes completely one sided it's not okay. This is something else i have learned with age and life experience. I don't open myself up to be hurt as often as I used to.

Mars is in 06 Degrees Scorpio:

Your likes and dislikes are strong and intense, never casual or superficial. You are known for your persistence and willful obsession. Once you have decided on a course of action, you are unstoppable. Your emotional actions tend to be extreme, although you try to keep them muted. You are not quick to anger, you do slow burns. And you tend to release your anger as sarcasm or irony. Beware of your tendency to hold grudges and to be vengeful. When you do fight, or release your internal tensions, you do so body and soul -- you become totally passionate and your outbursts are awesome to behold.

This is also so true, I know what I like and what I don't like, it's very simple. I don't get angry often but when I do finally break down it's not pretty lol. I also rarely cry, when I do it's definitely probably misguided or I will let it all out in one burst. Damn these planets and their control over me haha ;)

Jupiter is in 03 Degrees Scorpio:

You love to dig deep beneath surface appearances in order to find out what is really happening. A persistent researcher, you are very interested in the psychology of any situation. You tend to become overwhelmed by the complexity of what you uncover, however, and that makes you a bit gun-shy about explaining things to others. But you must learn to try to communicate as best you can because what you know is really very valuable to others.

Also very true, which brings me back to my thoughts on "therapy" and how I love to help "theraparize" others. My Mom has a super stressful job and I know her really well (obviously). I love when I can try to talk her through a situation and she tells me later that it really helped her to get through her work, or whatever she was going through at that moment. I love being able to see past the surface of how someone is feeling or acting and help to calm them down with what's really possibly bothering them. It means a lot to me when I can lend insight and support to someone I care about.

Does this mean I want to become a Therapist? Not at all ... but it reminds me of something pertaining to my dreams. I think I know what that psychic might have meant when she saw me "counseling" others and I know why have been blessed with a gift of insight and a love for people. Now, to make that dream a reality is a whole new challenge...

Stay tuned ;)

If you'd like to find out more about yourself and obtain your own Astrological Chart you can do so at:

http://alabe.com/freechart/

...musical_inspiration.com

This song deserves an entire blog, but it's inspiration for this entry:

A million miles away

Your signal in the distance

To whom it may concern

I think I lost my way

Getting good at starting over

Every time that I return

I'm learning to walk again

I believe I've waited long enough

Where do I begin?

I'm learning to talk again

Can't you see I've waited long enough

Where do I begin?

Do you remember the days

We built these paper mountains

And sat and watched them burn

I think I found my place

Can't you feel it growing stronger

Little conquerors

I'm learning to walk again

I believe I've waited long enough

Where do I begin?

I'm learning to talk again

I believe I've waited long enough

Where do I begin?

Now

For the very first time

Don't you pay no mind

Set me free again

To keep alive a moment at a time

But still inside a whisper to a riot

To sacrifice but knowing to survive

The first to climb another state of mind

I'm on my knees, I'm praying for a sign

Forever, whenever

I never wanna die

I never wanna die

I never wanna die

I'm on my knees

I never wanna die

I'm dancing on my grave

I'm running through the fire

Forever, whenever

I never wanna die

I never wanna leave

I never say goodbye

Forever, whenever, forever, whenever

I'm learning to walk again

I believe I've waited long enough

Where do I begin?

I'm learning to talk again

Can't you see I've waited long enough

Where do I begin?

I'm learning to walk again

I believe I've waited long enough

I'm learning to talk again

Can't you see I've waited long enough

Foo Fighters - Walk

This song ended the majority of our Spin classes for the past few months and though at the time it signaled the end of class and the motivation to finish strong along with it's inspirational lyrics & beat, today it means even more. Last night, alone on my stationary bike with the words resonating louder than ever through my iPod ear buds I had another revelation (and not just the revelation that I must look like a freak in the silent cardio room literally pounding on my bike at a million miles per hour lol). This song can be taken in any way, for any person, no matter what your struggle, we are all trying to find our way. Applied directly to weight loss it is literally like you are learning to walk and talk all over again. You have to actually retrain your body and mind which has been set in it's ways for however long you allowed yourself to be over weight or unhealthy. Lisa blogged earlier about the unknown of her appearance, which has a lot to do with this blog as well. I also have NO idea what I will look like thin. I try to picture it, pull my cheeks back, suck my stomach in, but I still have no idea of what the final product will be. What if my eyes are too big, my lips too huge, my nose too long, my ears too big, my hair too long or too short? What if I no longer like how I look thin? It's all a very interesting concept. Last night I asked Lisa if I had big knobby knees, imagine never knowing what your knees looked like before? At age 29 I am finally learning what my knees look like! She asked me the last time I saw my knees and I guessed age 7, I literally could not remember. Applying directly to the song "Walk", I do believe I have waited long enough. I honestly feel like I am learning to literally and simply walk again, call it muscle soreness, or my body reshaping, but I notice a difference in how I carry myself (which if you know me and how confident I already am is slightly scary lol). I feel my shoulders pushed back more, my back straighter, my legs pointing less inward. Whether it's a change in my muscles or how I feel about myself there is a definite change (not counting my bow legged mess walk today because of how badly my legs hurt lol). When the song says "where do I begin" it's interesting to note I have had a lot of beginnings in this journey, and that is honestly the best way to keep it new and interesting. Each new thing we have tried has been a beginning. But I credit the beginning of this leg of the journey to our new life in Astoria, we got a bit of a slow start, but we really kicked into gear with the weight loss when we started Spin in October. The song even applies to our new life and home in Astoria, but that is another blog for another day! One of the versus that means the most to me is the one I have "bolded" above. I think back to the days we sat and watched ourselves sabotage our health, our hard work, we literally "sat and watched them burn". But then he says "I think I found my place, can't you feel it growing stronger, little conquerors". I know I have found my place and it's strange to feel so content in knowing that, I like to think each obstacle is a little conquer. The excitement I feel is palpable. Once again, I feel like the sky is the limit. I need to apply that feeling to other areas of my life as well, but I am going to allow myself a minute to revel in this moment and succeed at the task at hand before I over fill my "plate" as I always tend to do.

Moving on, I had another physical break through last night as well. Back in the Summer we started running. I adopted a plan that had me running 1/4 mile week one, 1/2 mile week two, 3/4 mile week three, 1 mile week 4 and so on and so forth. Week one we would walk 3 laps and run 1 lap for 3 days, week two we would walk 2 laps and run 2 laps for 3 days, week three we would walk 1 lap and run 3 laps for 3 days and by week four we would run all four laps. I actually ended up running 2 straight miles by the end of the summer and I was so proud of myself. I had never ran before in my life and this was a huge accomplishment. We then joined Club Fitness and running kind of got put to the side a bit, it became harder when I wasn't doing it as often and then we became obsessed with Spin. Well last night we were warming up on the treadmills in the weight room before our leg routine. We had done Jillian the night before so I was already pretty sore but the walking was working it out. About 2 minutes into my walk the song "Titanium" came on over the gym stereo system. This song, reminding me of our amazing Spin classes, inspired me to try out my running again. I cranked up the treadmill to 4.2 (hey it may not be much, but that used to be my max speed) and I started off. I ended up running through the entire song and completing 1/4 mile, which was probably my fastest 1/4 mile ever. I felt amazing, my body felt stronger, my legs (though burning from Jillian) felt lighter, I got my heart rate up above 160 right away. It was an invigorating feeling. I felt like I was floating through the run while the song pushed me to finish strong (of course with a little dancing and fist pumping in between). This set the momentum for our entire work out where we started using our exercise journal to log our weights and reps on our circuit routines. We ended with some cardio on the stationary bikes, and though not my favorite piece of equipment, I broke quite a sweat and used my playlist to push myself through a series of hills and sprints (I find interval training to be most effective, personally). I am really proud of us for kicking our own butts. We came home sore and exhausted but we felt so accomplished. It's hard to put the feeling into words, but I can just see how far we have come and how much further we are going to go and it's an amazing feeling.

As for the diet, I capped out at 6lbs lost in 3 days, today my weight stayed the same. I think I am done weighing myself until next Monday. It's not healthy to weigh yourself daily anyway. The adjustment at work was not as hard as I predicted it to be. Hunger pains go away and they definitely don't kill you. Training my body to eat less is something I never really allowed myself to do. I actually am fearing my body adjusting too quickly and having to lower my caloric intake if I see slower losses, but we will see how I do a few weeks on the current individualized plan. Each level is based on your weight and activity level, you adjust as you go along and increase activity or fall into a new weight bracket.

I finally acquired some new clothes that fit me properly, not a ton, but it's a start and it's nice to be wearing an outfit that fits and isn't hanging off of me. I also, as stated above, cannot walk today, which is hilarious. Walking up the Subway steps was a total joke this morning! I guess between Sunday's upper circuit and Spin routine, Monday's Jillian & last night's leg circuit/cardio my body is just shot. Tonight I am going to see how I do on some back/bicep circuit training and probably do some running and then I am giving my body two days to recuperate. We will resume with Jillian on Saturday morning and probably gym on Sunday if we aren't dead tired. As much as it's great to get to the gym 5 days, you still need those days off for your muscles to repair, that is actually when they get stronger, on the off days.

Finally, I need to address an epidemic at our gym, and I am sure all gyms around the country. That epidemic is "Gym Bunnies", you all know who they are. The girls in full faces of makeup with their hair DOWN who like to "work out" in their skivvies. I was SO distracted last night by this one girl. She has this LONGGGG blonde hair DOWN HER BACK, full face of makeup, tight pants with her butt sticking out, tank with her boobs sticking out and she is going through a "routine" with her friend who is in STREET clothes and a GUY who is in jeans and a jacket just hanging out with them! Like wtf?!? What are you doing?!?! What is the point?!?! I was disgusted when I saw her flip her hair over the side of the machine to get it out of the way! Like honestly, you want to keep your make up on? Fine, even I do it sometimes and just wash it off after ... but put your DAMN hair up and tell your friends to go to Starbucks while you workout or put on some gym clothes of their own and do their own routine! Nobody needs to be distracted by your "I think I'm hot shit" attitude and your cronies following you around! Last time I checked this was a gym, where people come to sweat and get in shape! If I owned a gym I would be such a b*tch! And don't get me started on the girls in their onesies, yes I said onesies. I really wonder if they know how ridiculous they look in their unitards at the gym! I mean i'm sure its great, you don't have to worry about your clothes while your working out, but they leave NOTHING to the imagination and there are definitely no undergarments on under neath. They might as well be naked! I have no respect for them, as I'm sure they have no respect for me because I'm "fat" by their standards, but at least I have class.

I have not drank enough water today, so I am going to pound some fluid ounces and spend the rest of the afternoon living in the bathroom. I apologize for the long and slow nature of this blog as I am experiencing 3pm lethargy as well as listening to a very mellow playlist. I promise to return tomorrow with some more spunk & pzazz ;)

Toodles, kids!

...enjoyable grapefruit!

Lyrics of the day:

You can try but never stop me

This is what I'm made of

I will never ever let go

This is what I'm made of

No one can control me

'Cause this is what I'm made of

You can hate but never break me

This is what I'm made of

Nause - Made Of

Well, apparently I am made of some type of steel that I never knew existed within my being. I am surprised by my progress every day and on a day when I would normally feel lethargic and cranky and not want to peel myself out of bed I feel completely opposite.

The old Michelle, given the opportunity for a day off, would do absolutely nothing. Not that I didn't want to get up and take care of things, but I just never had a ton of energy. My boss called me Friday evening, after we had already left work, to let me know that we may be closed Monday after all. Since MLK Day is an optional holiday for us (meaning if a session is booked we will open to accommodate the session) it was up in the air as to whether or not we would have to open. It ended up working up that we would enjoy a three day weekend.

The possibilities became endless, but one thing was certain, Monday would be an opportunity to "do nothing". Friday evening we enjoyed a raucous good time with Sarah & Bethany, 2 out of the 3 beauties who make up my cousins (whom I consider more sisters than cousins). One of the reasons we were so excited to move to Astoria is because Lisa's cousin Catherine and my cousin Sarah both lived in the neighborhood as well. Bethany recently moved in with Sarah, and Charity goes to college in Queens. So here we all are :) We started the night at MexiQ where it became extremely evident that Sarah and I are the crazies of the family. We practically got kicked out for our hysterical laughter and quoting of Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Spin, clearly our family obsession, was also a major topic of discussion. Turns out Sarah's instructor at NYSC knows OUR fav instructor from Club Fitness, what a small world! We then spent the evening comparing the amazing-ness of their classes and decided we should just become instructors ourselves. We then, of course, because this is what all normal individuals do on a Friday night out, choreographed our own Spin routine. Mob Wives was the other inspiration for the evening and incessant chanting of "Junior, I wanna go home!" commenced on the streets of Astoria. We made a scene, we danced, we choreographed Spin, we made amazing memories in the matter of one evening in our neighborhood and I love us all for it. I always knew that I was lucky growing up with such an amazing family. We spent every single Sunday of our childhood at our Grandma's house and that foundation has followed us into our adult years. I am truly blessed to have family like them <3!

Saturday we got a bit of a late start, but it was our first day in The Zone. We woke up to make our first Zone meal; eggs, salsa, slice of tomato, reduced fat cheddar & an orange. We also began our first day of one cup of coffee per day. Saturday was an adjustment to the diet, but we were sure to pound copious amounts of water and it helped immensely. We spent the day running around picking up the remainder of our necessities and then got ready to spend a fun filled evening with our bff Erin. One of the great things abt the diet we are following is that we are allowed wine and cheese as a snack! Wine (an AMAZING Argentinian Malbec that is now my favorite red wine, thank you to my Brother-In-Law Tommy), cheese, salad, whole wheat pizza w/ckn (one piece obvs), football & lots of laughs, as per usual :)

Saturday evening I noticed a bit of a difference in how I slept. I kept waking up and looking at the clock, which is not like me. Sunday we got up earlier then Saturday and where I normally would've been exhausted from an interrupted night of sleep I actually felt fine. Zone Day 2 began, we repeated Saturday's breakfast and got ready for the gym.

Finally, for the first time in weeks or even months, we were attending the gym on a weekend day. The gym was a pure dream on a Sunday afternoon and I think we are going to make that a regular occurrence. We decided on chest & triceps followed by abs and cardio. We had an awesome work out, but it was a struggle because it has been quite a while since we did our upper body routine. We have been spending far too much time in that Spin room and our upper body has suffered. I used to be able to pound out reps and I felt a serious struggle. I know I will get my strength back within a few weeks, but it was a little disappointing. After a pretty good upper body work out we decided to give our own Spin routine a try and it was probably the most amazing work out we have had in a while. We set ourselves up in the very front of the room and whipped out the iPod Touch that my amazing Godson gave to us. As much as we would've loved to have pumped the tunes through the speakers in the room, this was going to have to work for us. It was loud enough to hear over the sound of the bikes, so it definitely did the job. We set up and we were off. I told Lisa I would do my best to use the tools from Carla's routine but to bear with me. We started off with 3 warm up songs, complete with runs in both 2 and 3; "We Found Love", "Glad You Came", "International Love". It was definitely hard to figure out the beats at some parts, but over all we did an awesome job. We then did a hill to "You Da One" and I seriously pushed the resistance harder than ever and the upper body muscles we had just worked were literally trembling. We brought it up to 3 in the end and we were already ready to puke at this point. We then went into jumps from 3 to the saddle to "Where Have You Been". Next we did isolation's to "Wet" at which point Lisa was about to die, but she helped to push me along. We were running out of time and Lisa was feeling pretty sick so I decided to end with runs in 3 to "Titanium" and we then did a traditional cool down. It was amazing, I got my heart rate up to around 166-170 which is about 87-89%. Over all I was pretty happy with how we did. I hadn't sweat that much or felt that good during a workout in a while!

Sunday evening was spent filled with football and fun as Saturday had been! Erin came over for the Giant's game and it was amazing to spend quality time with her and relax at home, considering it was like 3 degrees below out! We even got to see Jacquie, which was a serious bonus :)

So here we are, Monday. I assumed I was going to spend the day in bed but apparently my body is in more control than my mind lately. Lisa woke us up at 9am and after another lack luster night of sleep I wasn't thrilled but I guess my body is just adjusting. Instead of going back to sleep or lazing around like I used to do, I was up making breakfast and getting the house in order. I notice such a difference in my energy, my body and how I feel over all and it's unbelievable in only two days. I know you are not supposed to weigh yourself daily, but I was curious to see how I was adjusting to the diet. In two days I have already lost 5lbs.

So I have set new goals for myself:

15lbs by February 13th

10lbs by March 13th

10lbs by April 13th

10lbs by May 13th

10lbs by June 13th

10lbs by July 13th

10lbs by August 13th

Making a total of 75lbs by my 30th Birthday.

I feel as though small increments are the best way to go to keep myself in check, rather than focusing on a huge number. I finally feel like this is possible for the first time in a long time. The pieces of the puzzle all fit perfectly right now and I hope that this momentum can continue over the next 7 months. I feel like I am out of the high carb and sugar induced fog I had been living in. I now realize the horrible effects sugar and caffeine were having on my energy, my mind, my mood and my over all well being. I feel clear headed, I feel excited, I feel calm & I feel awakened. I even enjoyed my grapefruit with my cheese omelet this morning! Shocker of the century, I used to HATE grapefruit!

I will be sure to keep you all posted on the progress! I am interested to see how I will do on a work day where I am used to eating every few hours, it is going to be quite an adjustment but I am glad we started on a weekend at home rather than a Monday at work! The rest of the agenda for today includes laundry, gym, cooking a Zone soup, Amber still needs a manicure/pedicure and I want to try to clean out my closet a bit because half of my clothes are now significantly too big on me and I need to make room for some new stuff :)

I hope everyone had a great weekend ... adiosssssssss amigos!

sushi coma ... the last hurrah!

Obsession (said with an accent, phonetically, ob-ses-e-own):

...This world can seem cold and gray

But you and I are here today

And we won't fade into darkness

Fade into darkness

Nothing to fear but fear itself

We'll be ok just keep the faith

And we won't fade into darkness...

Avicii - Fade Into Darkness ... aaaaaaaaamazing!

Avicii, as a matter of fact, has a gig at Lavo NYC on January 21st. I am not sure I am down for the rigmarole of trying to get into that mess of a club, but it would be amazing to experience that! I also don't think ANY of our friends would want to attend such an event, and my bestest has to close at work that night so I am thinking this is just a pipe dream ... le sigh.

Currently, I am experiencing a phenomenon that I like to refer to as "Sushi Coma". Having been my last sushi binge for quite a while, I went to town with myself for lunch today. But now I am experiencing the normal drama associated with such indulgence; dry mouth, insatiable thirst, full stomach, feeling like a cow... you know, the usual! Pounding my sport top Poland Spring and hoping the feeling passes.

This is actually an important lesson. I don't know if this is the same for everyone, but it is certainly the case for me. I get super excited to say, for example, order sushi for lunch. I order up all of my favs, I consume far more than necessary, while loving each and every morsel and then after I feel gross. I have to try to get excited about cottage cheese the way I get excited over sushi. For one thing, cottage cheese doesn't make me feel gross after, and the obvious plus is that cottage cheese won't make me fatter. It seems like such a good idea in principle and tastes great going down, but it's really never worth it after, why is that? I feel amazing after a salad, not so amazing after 27 sushi rolls, lol. Oh well, it was my last hurrah before entering The Zone.

Hurrah, is that even a word? Who came up with that saying? "The last hurrah" ... GOOGLING IT!

In other news, I am excited for SexyQ MexiQ times with a sampling of the Cast women tonight! I have been wanting to try it out since we moved to Astoria, I have heard good things. There are actually probably about a dozen places in Astoria we still haven't tried. We live in the food capitol of the world yet we have barely had time to try more than a few places.

Tomorrow, our bestest comes to town to visit! It's not her fault she was born and raised in New Hampsh and Massachu and is therefore a Boston Red Sox and Patriots fan ;) I am excited to pretend to care and be a Bronco's fan for the game tomorrow night. I am sure there will be plenty of canoodle & sniff involved as well as huns, yuts, oughts, welps & the usual amazingness that comes along with our qual times!

I am extremely tired today, not exactly sure why. We concluded it was because our gym routine was thrown off this week. I had a hard time falling asleep last night because we didn't work out. Usually I sleep like a baby after a good work out, but last night not so much.

And now for the weekend goals:

Saturday morning/early afternoon workout.

Amber needs a nail clipping.

Finish picking up what we need for our diet.

Clean the house.

Get ready for fun times with the bff.

Sunday morning/early afternoon workout.

Cook a Zone dinner for the week.

Find 2.5 seconds to lounge around in my pajamas and rest.

Watch the Giants game (fingers crossed for a Big Blue Victory now that my Cowboys, aka the worst team ever, are out!).

Attempt to fit in time to go see Beauty and The Beast 3D!

Unfortunately, I am not off Monday so we have to get all of our chores out of the way before we start another hectic week. When your schedule is to attend the gym every weeknight after work and you don't get out of work until 6pm you have to make sure you plan your meals way ahead of time. We usually cook a big meal on Sunday that will last at least the beginning of the following week. Starting The Zone is going to make this even more important as it will be harder to grab something to eat on the run. Lunches also will not be as simple anymore so it requires more planning. Usually Lisa is able to throw together a turkey sandwich for us in the morning, but sandwiches are not options for this portion of the diet. I know that this will be a lifestyle change for us that we will continue for life, but I certainly look forward to when we are in maintenance and have a little more flexibility to our schedules. We are always burning the candle at both ends and I hate having to say no to fun events because we need to food shop or cook or clean or do otherwise boring type things. It's just not physically possible for us to drop everything and have fun sometimes. But we do our best to keep a balance while keeping up what we need to do for our health and goals. Achieving a dream is never easy, now I can see why some people say it's lonely at the top (not like I am a big star or anything ... YET!). It's so easy to just lose sight of what you need to do to stay on track when you would rather just go and have fun with your friends. But we won't get anywhere if we don't try to keep some type of structure when it comes to taking care of things that are important to us, but maybe not always the most fun. It sucks, but I think a challenge for me is to say no or to "miss out" on things or disappoint people I care about.

I am glad this weekend seems to be filled with a fun balance of quality time with people we love as well as time to take care of what is important to us. If we succeed in working out both Saturday AND Sunday I think I might cry. But I would be happy if we made it at least one day. Usually on Sunday I am a hot mess disaster who has hard time lifting my head from the couch cushion long enough to form a cohesive sentence. Typical me, go go go go go go ... crash.

Anyhoo, I hope everyone has a good weekend! Muchoooooo amor, y'all!

Finally, in case anyone cares, this is what google had to say about HURRAH, lol:

last hurrah

n.

A final appearance or effort, especially at the end of a career: a reelection campaign that was expected to be her last hurrah.

...lady elaine, speed & maya rudolph!

Lyrics, as per usual:

...The sun goes down

The stars come out

And all that counts

Is here and now

My universe will never be the same

I'm glad you came...

The Wanted - Glad You Came ... one of my favorite workout songs!

So, last night was quite an adventure! Disclaimer: I am not a mean person, at all. I do not intend to offend in any way what so ever. The aforementioned is in impeccable shape and very inspiring, as she evoked imagery of an actual professional cyclist cruising hills in some kind of elite triathlon. I appreciate the skill of said instructor and I can only aspire to such physique.

That being said, I felt like I was in an episode of Saturday Night Live last night. It is not okay to be laughing (whether internally or externally) through an entire work out. But I could not help myself! I tried to keep it in because I did not want to offend or distract anyone in the class, but my thoughts were running rampant with hilarious imagery.

First, imagine a full grown version of Lady Elaine from Mr. Roger's Neighborhood.

Second, Lady Elaine is in amazing shape and has, for lack of a better word, a great figure!
Third, This character is being played by Maya Rudolph in an SNL sketch.

Fourth, This character did immense amounts of either Cocaine or Speed IMMEDIATELY preceding said work out.

It was our first Wednesday night class without our beloved instructor. My first impression was that the chosen replacement would be a formidable candidate, considering the "intense" 90 minute class taught by said instructor on the weekend. I read the bio the gym posts on the wall and I was excited to give it a try.

Wednesday night at 630pm rolls around and I actually wind up walking in with the Wednesday night newbie. A bit surprised, having not been what I pictured, I was still optimistic. Then I started having second thoughts, I just wasn't getting the right vibe, but we forged on anyway.

In order to understand our confusion, maybe you have to be like us. We are creatures of comfort and habit. I like when I know what to expect, to an extent, but am also challenged.

The first instructor we worked with upon starting this adventure back in October is tried and true, you can always expect good music and a great work out. She is nicknamed "The Sargeant" for good reason. Her drills force you to push yourself and her encouragement doesn't waver. She was the first person we met at the gym, so clearly she will always hold a special place, lol. Her free weight class is actually my favorite because it forces me to train my flabby upper body while gaining leg strength from the bike. I love to challenge myself in her jumps and her killer hills. I drip with sweat and I leave with a smile every time! It's particularly my favorite when there is towel waving, whistle blowing, and a lot of "wooing" involved lol! She's a lot of fun and keeps us entertained while dancing throughout the class and yelling "RAPIDO"!

The second instructor we worked with has been mentioned before in this blog, she's a very talented instructor. I could probably give you the entire run down of her routine and each drill that was done to each song each week. Last night Lisa mentioned that she used to play "Rain Over Me" to which I replied, "Yes, during Isolations, BOUNCE IT OUT!" haha. The routine is ingrained in my muscles. We were always given an introduction and a run down about what to expect and she was very attentive to new students joining the class. After detailed instruction on what to expect we would begin:

3 Warm up songs which include the famous "1, 2" rhythm and various sprints in both positions 2 & 3.

A kick ass hill.

Some more 1, 2 & sprints.

Killer jumps from 3 to the saddle.

Another kick ass hill.

Running back to back to back.

A recovery song.

Some more killer jumps from 3 to 2.

And an inspirational final song at full speed in 3, ending in a sprint.

You get the idea, sometimes it would vary, but that's the basic gist. I could do this routine in my sleep. There was always something to work towards. I will never forget the FIRST time I got through an entire sprint without stopping before hearing "3, 2, 1 SLOW IT DOWN" and feeling like I could go even further. I loved the routine, the music, the encouragement and the energy. Lisa put it best, Wednesday & Thursday was the bright spot in our otherwise hectic week. Plus there was the fun and friendly instructor, who could certainly be viewed as "mean" because of how far she tried to push each of us, but only had the best intentions in mind for her students and their success. Her dancing in the aisles and telling me this isn't a Zumba class always brought a smile to my face as well as her one liners about not being deaf, Spin not being a ride in the park and her love for the Foo Fighters.

Cut back to last night and our fourth instructor (the third we have worked with is another blog for another day, lol). We start off on a positive, the run down is pretty inspiring because it is a reminder that we can make what we want of this hour. Something along the lines of, "this is your work out, you have to push yourself and your resistance" was said. She then said, "I won't come around or touch your bike because this is your training and you choose what you want to get out of it" to which Lisa responded "winning"... Lisa then explained to me that she was "winning" because she wouldn't be touching our bikes, lol slacker! We also appreciated that she was in amazing shape, this probably means that if we follow her routine we are bound to look awesome too, right? Well wrong, apparently amazing physique also means that you can spin at 1 thousand trillion miles per hour without stopping for hours on end, I am not even exaggerating. The music started off decent, so far she was "A OK" in our books. The first drill, we are told, is going to be a hill of some sort. Push your resistance further and further, she explains. We spend the first song going in and out of 3 and the saddle and pushing the resistance harder each time. I am wondering how this is a warm up, but I am going along just fine and already sweating, which makes me happy.

Then we start with the speed spinning, literally, speed, as in possible drugs. We are bouncing and bobbing and moving in ways I have never attempted on a stationary bike. Carla just spent weeks upon weeks trying to get me to keep my shoulders still, I am finally finding my groove with that, but now I am being told to bop and sway and jut up and down and side to side like some kind of jack in the box! My neck is killing me, my lower back muscles are throbbing, I have no idea what is going on. I turn to Lisa and ask her if it is secretly Maya Rudolph instructing us, this must be a joke, right?! I then realize, I have no idea what is going on! I can't understand her on the mic, it's turned up WAY too high, as is the music and she has an interesting accent. WHAT IS HAPPENING? I try to keep up. We are back in a hill, okay, I can do this. I pushed my resistance probably harder than ever, I'm dripping with sweat, but I can't get my damn heart rate up! The highest I go is around 166, Carla had me up to 186 the week before. I am now frustrated that I can't get it up any higher. Back to the speed spinning, but now we are doing jumps as well? Spin 4 times as fast as u can up, then down, 4 up, 4 down, SERIOUSLY? My legs cannot move like that! So now, my thinking reverts back to what I know. I am thinking "Carla sprints", I am trying to push it but I am in so much pain something is not clicking. I can't seem to get control. I finally get my breathing under control, the stitch in my side alleviates and I continue on as fast as I can. We are back to a hill, back to jumps, I seriously am just now watching the other students to see where we are all at and I am trying to keep my eye on Speedy Gonzales up there on the lead bike. Finally, we are in some strange type of jumps and I start doing my own thing. I begin doing jumps from 3 to 2 and hearing "Night of Your Life" in my head. I turned to Lisa, who was struggling as well to see if she notices that I am now doing my own work out. When I get her attention I say one thing "Carla" thinking that will get her to realize that I am doing her 3 to 2 jumps and that she should join me. She has no idea what I am talking about OR doing for that matter and continues on with a frightened look on her face.

We find our way to the final song and I found success in the hill/sprint combo, but I had already made up my mind, this was not going to be for me. Wednesday night Spin, as we knew it, was over. Our cool down was very rushed, and music-less. I also felt horrible for the new girl next to Lisa who had NO idea what had just happened. I imagine her neck must be killing her today bc she was contorting unnaturally throughout the entire class.

The final imagery I left with was of a girl with shoulder length hair who thought it was a wonderful idea to Spin with her hair down. Imagine a mop, attached to the head, with the ends dripping wet. Why on earth would anyone want to keep their hair down for a workout and then leave it sopping wet like that after? I was so confused, I felt like I was on another planet.

After class Lisa and I did our abs and recounted the events of the previous hour. Lisa was pissed, I was hysterically laughing, which pretty much sums us up perfectly. We kept repeating the following, "drugs", "unnatural", "maya rudolph", "mr rogers neighborhood", "was that real life", while completing our ab routine in between bursts of laughter.

So the conclusion I come to is this, not every workout will be perfect for each of us. If you can find what works for you, then great! If not, move on. If something doesn't work for you then try something else. It's all about learning. To be honest, I told Lisa we could work out 7 days per week 2 hours per day but we aren't going to lose a pound faster if we don't focus even more on our diet. All of the pieces are falling into place and it's all about staying flexible and open minded. Plus, it's getting painful to Spin two nights in a row. My idea is to take my awesome "Spin" playlist and make up my own routine (complete with sprints, etc) on whatever piece of cardio equipment I choose to use on any given night. I also need to get back to my running training, I still aspire to run a 5K one day :)

The new routine will probably look something like this:

Monday - Off

Tuesday - Spin w/free weights

Wednesday - Circuit (legs or upper) & Cardio

Thursday - Spin

Friday - Circuit (legs or upper & Cardio)

Saturday OR Sunday (depending on our schedule) - Circuit and/or Cardio

We will see how that works out for us and then reconvene! The Zone (40, 30, 30) begins for us either tomorrow or Saturday depending on when we can get to the store for a few vital ingredients that we are missing for our meals! I will be sure to post our progress with both the new eating and the workout routine! I placed a massive order today with my new favorite website "BodyBuilding.com" for some essential items; Pure Whey Protein, Zone Bars, etc. I also got some free work out socks! Haha, yay! Although Lisa later told me we could have used the "Travel Powder Dispenser" oh well!

Thanks to everyone who is following along, I hope you enjoy our interesting sense of humour when it comes to all of this! I leave you with a photo of how enormous I used to be:

Peace.

diet epiphany's, caffeine, life, etc...

New thing, starting posts with lyrics:

...I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium...

David Guetta feat. Sia - Titanium ... one of my favs, meaningful in many ways.

So, I had a strange epiphany on the escalator of Viacom Networks this morning... I think changing my eating may prove to be more challenging then everything I over came in my work outs. Exercise is easy (in a way), you know it's going to be hard, you have to push yourself, you expect to sweat, you expect pain. After all, the slogan "no pain, no gain" makes sense to everyone. But eating is different, especially to someone who finds comfort in certain foods and routines.

I eat the same thing every day, not to bore you, but here is a sample of my daily menu:
Breakfast - 3 egg whites, plain oatmeal, pineapples in juice, 2 cups water, handful of vitamins, 3 advil
Mid-Morning Snack - Coffee w/fat free half & creamer, banana & dry oat cereal
Lunch - Turkey & low fat cheese on pumpernickle, handful of peanuts
Afternoon Snack - Apple or orange, Chobani yogurt
Pre/During Gym - Sometimes an Emergen-C (before) & Xtend Amino Acid drink (during)
Dinner - Chicken with veggies or a salad or some form of soup, depending on how busy we are

I realize a few problems with this. Firstly, I think I am eating too much and definitely not the right balance. The theory that you should eat 5 small meals is good for metabolism and all but there isn't a proper ratio to what I am eating and there is a lot of sugar in what I am eating (the pineapples, the cereal, the bread). There are certainly not enough greens being consumed by any means what so ever. Also, peanuts are not the right type of nut for protein and good fat (my allergy to almonds doesn't help here). I think that the foods I am eating are spiking my blood sugar, which causes your body to release insulin to bring it back down. Insulin is actually a fat storing hormone. When insulin is released we are forced to burn sugar for energy rather than stored fat. According to The Zone you want to keep blood sugar from spiking so insulin is not released and your body will be forced to burn fat for energy. When you eat the proper balance you actually release glucagon, which is a fat burning hormone. This comes into play even more for me since I have PCOS, which can mimic diabetes in some sense. When you have PCOS your body does not break down sugar properly causing the sugar to turn to fat. Diabetic diets are recommended for those with PCOS.

After reading my 40, 30, 30 book this morning I realize I have to make some major changes ... and that kind of scares me. I think the one area of my life I have not made enough changes is in my diet, to be completely honest. I am not sitting down to piles of unhealthy food, at all, by any means, but the balance and the amount is just not helping me on my plight to drop these last 65lbs. I also allow myself to cheat on the weekends too easily, which is something I have addressed. I think that changing my diet is one of the final challenges I have to over come in this journey. I have to allow things to be uncomfortable, allow things to be difficult, feel hunger, let my body adjust, and let go of my comfort and routine. I think that since we have been so busy for so long I just found the easiest way for us to eat quick and healthy foods on the go but this new plan is going to take some time and effort for it to be a success. The calorie cut is going to be an adjustment, for some reason I have this fear of being hungry or letting my blood sugar get too low (especially before a work out) but I have to just go with it and let my body change. I am so used to keeping things comfortable, I need to embrace the uncomfortable.

I think one of the hardest things is going to be limiting caffeine. The plan calls for minimal amounts of caffeine, I think one 8oz cup in the morning is acceptable, but the point is that while eating a balanced diet and exercising you shouldn't need caffeine to get through your day. I rely too much on caffeine as a crutch and it's horrible for my body. I need to break this addiction.

Life is about growing and changing, sometimes it's hard, sometimes it sucks but we can't really opt out. The suggestion is to start the 40, 30, 30 as soon as you are finished reading the book... well I am just about done, almost time to dive in. I am excited, but definitely apprehensive to make the change. I know the results will be well worth it and if I was able to conquer an "advanced" Spinning class I am sure I can handle anything this journey throws at me!

Speaking of Spinning, in exercise news, Lisa and I had our own epiphany after our work out last night about where we were and where we are now and how we got here. Nothing like a mutual therapy session on your evening walk home, lol. I was starting to wonder if crying after workouts was normal, then I was blaming PMS! I am really lucky to be going through this journey with my partner by my side. I honestly don't think I could be married to someone who doesn't get it, or get me, on every level. I am extremely blessed.

Finally, in other news, I tried some of my new makeup today and I am in love. Except for the mascara, it's going back lol.

K, bye!

drunk on love... & such!

First, some of my fav lyrics!

...take me away, i wear my heart on my sleeve, always let love take the lead, i may be a little naive, yeah, you know i’m drunk on love, drunk on love, nothing can sober me up, it’s all that i need, yeah... i've been let down, but never been tainted, so i stay thirsty for more, no i won't hold back, no drop is wasted, i let love run its course...

Rihanna gets it!

In other news, I am currently reading the "The Formula: 40, 30, 30" by Gene & Joyce Daoust and it is absolute genious at it's finest... as far as I can tell so far, lol! It makes complete and utter sense to me the way they outline the concepts of The Zone diet and the ratio of Carbs/Protein/Fat for each meal. It actually makes me wonder why the whole world doesn't eat like this! Low fat/high carb diets are such a joke, as are high protein diets! Ew, it almost makes me feel like my years of dieting were a complete waste. Better late than never to find such an excellent tool I guess (thank you to our amazing former Spin instructor and new friend Carla for introducing this diet plan to me!)! Not like I didn't know that it was best to stick to "clean" foods that are high in fiber and low in white flour/sugars, but the book puts it all into perspective in an amazing way. I am excited to see how it all pans out. The book also contains recipes and guides as well as "Family Style" meals which should come in handy for our busy week nights! The first tip I have implemented into today is the water rule. They challenge you to divide your body weight by 2 to determine the number of ounces of water your body needs to keep everything on the right track. Divide this number of ounces by 8 to see how many 8 ounce glasses of water per day you should drink. I have drank 9 glasses of water so far today and been to the bathroom more times then I wish to share haha! So far so good :) I am excited for the gym tonight, as per usual! And I am excited to implement this new eating into our lifestyle. Here's to some amazing results!

Last week we purchased some Kettlebell Kickboxing classes on Groupon with Cat & Michelle, that is sure to be a hilarious adventure! Also, Cat was quite obsessed with the Spin class we took together on Thursday which was awesome :)

Switching gears slightly, I did a little bit of shopping this week. Along with physical changes to my body come changes to my style and how I like to present myself. It's obviously necessary to buy clothes as one shrinks, but there are other things that I feel change as well. For one thing, I know I wear a LOT of makeup and I am trying to find my way to a more natural look, little by little. In the past I think I felt that I needed all of that makeup to supplement the fact that I wasn't the most fit. Now as I get smaller, my face shrinks, my features appear larger, all of that makeup starts to actually look strange on a smaller face! Most people who only see me on the weekend or when we go out probably wouldn't recognize me on a work or lounge day. Most weekend lounge days I am makeup-less until we go out at night. Most work days I only wear powder and light/no eye shadow! Shocker of the century, I know (Lisa and most of my family actually prefer me with little or less makeup)! But when it's time to glitz and glamour it up I pile on the pounds of shadow (I will still be lashing and shadowing it up for the usual occasions). Lisa got me a Mac gift card for Christmas so I am going to head there within the next week or so for a new look :) I also am transitioning my face makeup to try some of the Sephora Makeup Line and I purchased a new mascara today that I have been dying to try (Benefits, They're Real). Weight loss, when it is in as large a quantity as mine will be, really does stimulate an entire transformation. It's actually an amazing thing because the transition feels so freeing and fresh as you are going through it. Buying new gym clothes, new work clothes, new going out clothes, new makeup, it makes you feel like you are becoming a new person. As I shed away these layers I am revealing more of who had been hiding underneath all of that excess weight. Unfortunately, I am not rich, so it's hard to get everything I need at once, as my impatience would prefer. I guess the one benefit though is that a few pieces at a time allow for the slow and steady shrink otherwise I'd be throwing out my wardrobe every month lol! The last thing I am attempting is to grow my hairs long! I cannot believe that in the 11 years Lisa has known me I have never grown my hair much below my shoulders! For some reason I always felt like I couldn't, which is so weird! So here I am, new year, new look, loving it!

In terms of the weekend challenge, I did well. I definitely curbed my eating and did not eat any sweets at home on Sunday. I stopped myself during antipasto on Saturday and was sure to only have a taste of each thing. And the dessert spread wasn't that over whelming so I contained myself. I drank a lot of water and was definitely proud of how I did. The only bad thing about the weekend was that I didn't exercise, but I felt bad because Lisa was sick and I didn't want to leave her. I definitely should have pushed myself and she would've been supportive, but I would've felt bad leaving her home when I knew she had wanted to work out as well. Def going to have to work on the weekend work outs and implement at least one day.

The final thought I leave you with is this ... I require Flowerbomb to be added to my array of scents. I have a perfume addiction and the addition of this intoxicatingly (not a word) amazing scent would complete me.

The End.

too many things...

Lots of thoughts going through my mind and rather than make 15 Facebook statuses I decided to utilize my blog-ger!

So, last night was the end of an era! We said goodbye to someone who inspired us week after week and kicked our asses in the best way possible! I am feeling sad, but also optimistic. Sometimes a good swift kick in the ass is what you need to change up your routine. New year, new routine, new plan ... it's all necessary to keep the ball rolling. I think the saddest part really is hearing the songs and remembering the challenges we over came with each one. I will never listen to the "Spin" playlist the same way again, the beats, the words, the feeling of the music, it gets inside you. They say muscles have memory, to me it's absolutely amazing the way our bodies work. My muscles connect to the song and put me right back in the moment! Bruno Mars "It Will Rain" came on one day in the car and I swear my leg muscles started twinging remembering the hill we climbed in class the week before. "I Can Only Imagine" just came on and I felt my (Zumba) hips going side to side in the "1,2" rhythm. For some reason I just really connect strongly to music and experiences and I think that is one reason that I LOVE Spin and felt such a connection to the experience while overcoming physical and emotional obstacles throughout the work out and along with the music. "Set Fire To The Rain" was particularly emotional last night picturing my dreams and all of the life obstacles I have climbed. Feeling stuck, feeling like I was trudging my way through, after completing a good cathartic work out it's almost like you leave all of that in the past, where it belongs. "Walk", the last song of the night, was also REALLY emotional remembering when I couldn't keep up or sprint for the entire last minute. Last night I felt like I could have sprinted forever, a feeling I never imagined I could have. The cool down songs hit me SUPER hard and thank god Lisa wasn't there bc we would've been a mess together (although I missed her and am so sad she got sick for the last class!)... "Blackbird" first, the lyrics of feeling free, remembering my Dad and how he first introduced me to The Beatles. Thinking of him and how he experienced freedom before he passed. Then "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" and the way he would hold my hand in the car as we drove around in his fire red Fiero listening to The Beatles when I was a kid. It just amazes me the way music can take us back and bring things around full circle. It was an emotional roller coaster of a class as it has been the past few months and ironically in those last few moments I felt like my Dad was telling me he is proud of me and that I am on the right track :)

Now, where do I go from here?! First, I have a huge challenge ahead for this weekend, I have to try to fit in at least ONE work out and I have to NOT cheat on my diet. Every weekend I feel like I throw all caution to the wind and let all the hard work of the week go to shit! Then I am stuck working out all week and making up for my weekend slip up, well not this weekend. The challenge of it though is that Saturday is Christmas with Lisa's Moms side of the family (best in-laws ever!) and her Aunt makes delish food! I am such a foodie, but I am going to try my best to make good choices and have a taste of a treat if I am dying for, but in moderation. The other trick for me is to lay off the sweets! We have so much holiday candy left in the house and Sunday I like to be lazy and lay around eating it haha. This Sunday I think I want to challenge myself to work out (if I can't fit it in Saturday) and I am hoping that keeps me from lazing all day and gorging in the holiday left overs.

The other challenge is that I need to find a new food plan. Not that I eat poorly, at all (during the week), but I need to change it up a bit. I literally eat the same thing every day and I know that also can slow down your metabolism. For the sake of our schedule I tend to like to make a big healthy meal on Sunday that we can just heat up after the gym all week. From what I have read in some popular plans though in order to keep things exciting and fresh you need to change dinner and even lunches up a bit. I need to research a plan that can fit into our lifestyle but help us to stream line our diet even better. I want to go completely clean and borderline "diabetic" diet. Unfortunately, due to my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), a diabetic diet is necessary for weight loss. PCOS is actually one of the main reasons my weight loss has been so slow, it's a total double edged sword!

As far as the gym is concerned I would love to kick start a few sessions with a trainer, but since I am not made of money I am going to have to find a way to get back into my "training" mode. First and foremost we have to get there 4 days minimum, ideally 5. And secondly I think if I could just get myself up in the morning for that 6am Jillian routine it would help significantly. When I initially started losing weight we were doing 5am cardio at the gym. Our new gym is a little far for that, but no reason why I can't do Jillian before breakfast on week days! I know that when you work out first thing in the morning you burn more calories then after work. I feel like I am always burning off the day rather than losing weight when we only make it there in the evening. "2 a days" was the ONLY way when I lost my first chunk of weight!

Basically I have until August 13, 2012 to lose 65lbs and that is beyond possible. If I could lose more, great, if not I think I would be more than happy at that weight. After I turn 30 and the "fat" is gone I would love to spend the next two years before I get preggo toning up!

Anyway, enough talking, more doing haha ... I am off to research some new plans and find a good food diary! Stay tuned :)

2012 and such...

So it has been itching me to start this blog up... I have a hard time sticking to writing, but it's always worth a shot.

I am just going to dive on in.

I am sensing a theme already in 2012 and I like what I am sensing. I feel like this year will be about discovering myself in a new way. I have been on a journey for quite some time now, mostly a weight loss journey. That was actually a journey that I put off for a while because I was afraid that as the layers peeled back I would find baggage, but what I have actually found is a sense of freedom. At first that may sound weird, but then as I think about that idea it actually makes sense, I am relieving myself OF the baggage as I shed the pounds and that is actually an amazing feeling. Putting the weight loss off due to fear was a huge mistake, but at the time I guess I just wasn't ready. That's a problem with me, I can't really do things sometimes unless I am ready or literally forced or told "No".

Lately I have found that I can push myself really hard, like super hard. But it's not always easy to push oneself. It can be painful, it's easy to just cop out and be lazy, it's NOT so easy to push. But the rewards from pushing obviously far outweigh the rewards from not. This past Summer we started running, I realized that I could push and push a bit further every week, I got up to 2 miles, that was huge for me. But then my body started reacting poorly to some of the runs so I switched it up. After settling into our new home in Astoria and getting on our feet financially we were able to "upgrade" ourselves to a legitimate gym. Planet Fitness was a joke, we hardly made it there anyway, preferring to spend our free nights at Astoria Park rather than inside the waste of space gym we had joined to "save money". Come the end of September I told Lisa that I refused to give Planet Fitness one more penny and that we were joining Club Fitness, where we really had wanted to join when we moved to Astoria in May, and I didn't care how much it cost. We got a great deal anyway and I loved that the classes were included, I had been wanting to try Spin since I had heard about the awesome instructor Cat.

So it was set, we were joining Club Fitness and oh my god, what a difference. We finally found our fitness groove, we started Spinning and although it was NOT easy we kept trying. We found a lot of support, whether they realized it or not, from our two instructors Cat & Carla. The scale started moving again, but to be honest that's not even what affected me the most. What I felt to be the most significant was the changes I felt in my body and my mind and the excitement I felt for that feeling and the work out as a whole. It's hard to psych yourself up for a weight loss routine sometimes, but this work out was invigorating, challenging, a total blast to be honest. While Spinning I found that the Asthma I feared I was developing was getting slightly worse. It didn't matter though, nothing stopped me. I didn't care if I coughed through the entire class, I was going to make it through as strong as I could. Lisa would tell me that during class when she wanted to give up she would look over and watch me gasping for air while going as hard as I could. She would realize there was no way she could stop if I wasn't stopping with an elephant sitting on my chest (it's a metaphor for not being able to breathe).

So off we were on this new leg of the journey. We would've loved to have thrown ourselves in to the gym 5 days per week, a few nights Spinning, a few nights of cardio and circuit training, etc ... but as was the theme with our Spring and Summer, things were kind of still hectic with the Holiday's etc... The way our schedule worked out we found ourselves in Carla's class weekly and I felt myself getting stronger and stronger with each class (I called Thursday my Mojo class because I always struggle through Wednesday and find my groove by Thursday). I honestly used to fear her classes because she would get in our faces and push us, but then I found myself wanting her to get in my face so that I would do the best I could possibly do. After we connected through my amazing musical stylings, Carla informed us that she was leaving the gym just a few days before the end of 2011. Though devastating at first (I thought to myself, "how am I supposed to drop the rest of this weight in 2012 without her?!"), I realized something really important, I was going to have to take the tools given to me and stand on my own, without her "screaming in my face". I tested myself by taking a class with a different instructor and sure enough, with Carla's tools in the back of my mind I was able to push myself through even the most boring class. Sometimes it's important when we are forced to stand on our own, that is when we realize our true strength.

So here we are, it's 2012 and my slate feels more open than it did in 2011. I have noticed that God kind of removed some negativity from my life whether in the form of people or ideas or otherwise. And my eyes have been open to something really important; I can not be something that I am not. That may sound SO simple, but honestly, it is so huge. I am done trying to be something that I am not, trying to conform to what other people deem as appropriate or otherwise. I am me, and for those that cannot handle who I am then they are not worthy of being along for this journey I am on. I do not hold back, I am friendly, I jump in with both feet, I put it all out there, I mean well, I help others when I can, I give give give, I may seem overwhelming, but my intentions are always positive. My nickname in Summer camp used to be Smiley, naive or not, I like to believe the best in others. That has gotten me hurt many times as I literally wear my heart on my sleeve. I thought it was a good idea to tuck my heart back in, go more slowly ... but honestly that is not me. So love it or hate it, I am who I am and I am not going to alter that, ever again.

I am currently finishing up the book "My Year With Eleanor" it is a Memoir written by Noelle Hancock about her year from age 29-30 and how she faced one fear every day, whether small or huge. This book has inspired me in so many ways, not that I am the type of person who is riddled with fear, but I feel as though we are all in the same boat at this age. We know that 30 is fast approaching and whether you are thrilled by your job, your career, your life, your marriage, you know that change is on the horizon and it is kind of time to figure out your true path. I know that I want to start having children within the next few years but there is no way I am going to bring new life into this world until I feel as though I am on the path to fulfilling my own destiny. I know I am on that path, but I need to make a few leaps, decide on a few crossroads, and set the ball rolling in a serious direction.

Considering all that I have accomplished this past year that may seem like over kill, but what 2011 taught me is that I am literally capable of ANYTHING I set my mind to. I kind of already knew this, as I really do get whatever I want in life, but I had kind of lost my Mojo for a minute there. That or I was just improperly focusing it. In 2011 I got married to my soul mate and absolute best friend in the world (God knew what he was doing when he wrote us into each others books of life), I did improv and I did it really well (need to get back to that), I realized that comedy is just my thing (considering my strange/silly sense of humor lol) I lost more weight, I realized that I need to stop wasting time and get into some kind of plus sized modeling, I realized that I know the type of entertainer I would want to be, I found an AMAZING job FINALLY within the industry, I achieved my dream of moving to the city, I got out of debt, I attended 12 million weddings lol, I got closer to my Family and my In-Laws and I loved every minute of it all even if it felt stressful along the way.

I have major goals for 2012, I won't set myself up for failure by over doing it. But I have to take the proper steps towards my destiny. I have always said that we are not put on this earth and given our own set of dreams for any reason other than that they are meant to be. I do not dream to be a doctor because I am not meant to be a doctor, my dreams were given to me because they are possible for me. All dreams are possible, I have never believed otherwise.

Sometimes I regret that I waited until I lost weight to go for my dreams, sometimes I regret that I didn't stick with Theater in college, sometimes I regret that I have not been in the entertainment industry since I was a teenager, sometimes I regret that I am getting such a late start with it all. But then I breathe and I remember, life is not a race, it is a journey. I was not ready when I was a teenager or even in my early 20s, I was not ready to be who I was meant to be yet because I had to find myself along the way. I was not ready to lose the weight, face the demons, over come the obstacles. I keep a lot of my private life tucked away for only my closest family to know my struggles, I have over come more in 29 years then I think anyone could ever imagine and I am proud of that. It may seem like I lost my footing here or there but I believe I was just finding my way as I went along. I am the type of person who has to try something, whether I fail or succeed, to know if it's for me and don't even try to tell me no because that most certainly means I have to prove you wrong.

We are all a work in progress and some of our journeys may be longer than others, but we were all put on this Earth to do something with our lives and I am proud to say that I plan to make a difference somehow. Whether in the next few years or the next 10 years, I won't stop until I know I am where and who I am meant to be.

Here's to 2012, time to "Set Fire To The Rain" ... thank you to everyone who has helped me get to where I am today and I look forward to continuing this journey with you all by my side :)