2012 and such...

So it has been itching me to start this blog up... I have a hard time sticking to writing, but it's always worth a shot.

I am just going to dive on in.

I am sensing a theme already in 2012 and I like what I am sensing. I feel like this year will be about discovering myself in a new way. I have been on a journey for quite some time now, mostly a weight loss journey. That was actually a journey that I put off for a while because I was afraid that as the layers peeled back I would find baggage, but what I have actually found is a sense of freedom. At first that may sound weird, but then as I think about that idea it actually makes sense, I am relieving myself OF the baggage as I shed the pounds and that is actually an amazing feeling. Putting the weight loss off due to fear was a huge mistake, but at the time I guess I just wasn't ready. That's a problem with me, I can't really do things sometimes unless I am ready or literally forced or told "No".

Lately I have found that I can push myself really hard, like super hard. But it's not always easy to push oneself. It can be painful, it's easy to just cop out and be lazy, it's NOT so easy to push. But the rewards from pushing obviously far outweigh the rewards from not. This past Summer we started running, I realized that I could push and push a bit further every week, I got up to 2 miles, that was huge for me. But then my body started reacting poorly to some of the runs so I switched it up. After settling into our new home in Astoria and getting on our feet financially we were able to "upgrade" ourselves to a legitimate gym. Planet Fitness was a joke, we hardly made it there anyway, preferring to spend our free nights at Astoria Park rather than inside the waste of space gym we had joined to "save money". Come the end of September I told Lisa that I refused to give Planet Fitness one more penny and that we were joining Club Fitness, where we really had wanted to join when we moved to Astoria in May, and I didn't care how much it cost. We got a great deal anyway and I loved that the classes were included, I had been wanting to try Spin since I had heard about the awesome instructor Cat.

So it was set, we were joining Club Fitness and oh my god, what a difference. We finally found our fitness groove, we started Spinning and although it was NOT easy we kept trying. We found a lot of support, whether they realized it or not, from our two instructors Cat & Carla. The scale started moving again, but to be honest that's not even what affected me the most. What I felt to be the most significant was the changes I felt in my body and my mind and the excitement I felt for that feeling and the work out as a whole. It's hard to psych yourself up for a weight loss routine sometimes, but this work out was invigorating, challenging, a total blast to be honest. While Spinning I found that the Asthma I feared I was developing was getting slightly worse. It didn't matter though, nothing stopped me. I didn't care if I coughed through the entire class, I was going to make it through as strong as I could. Lisa would tell me that during class when she wanted to give up she would look over and watch me gasping for air while going as hard as I could. She would realize there was no way she could stop if I wasn't stopping with an elephant sitting on my chest (it's a metaphor for not being able to breathe).

So off we were on this new leg of the journey. We would've loved to have thrown ourselves in to the gym 5 days per week, a few nights Spinning, a few nights of cardio and circuit training, etc ... but as was the theme with our Spring and Summer, things were kind of still hectic with the Holiday's etc... The way our schedule worked out we found ourselves in Carla's class weekly and I felt myself getting stronger and stronger with each class (I called Thursday my Mojo class because I always struggle through Wednesday and find my groove by Thursday). I honestly used to fear her classes because she would get in our faces and push us, but then I found myself wanting her to get in my face so that I would do the best I could possibly do. After we connected through my amazing musical stylings, Carla informed us that she was leaving the gym just a few days before the end of 2011. Though devastating at first (I thought to myself, "how am I supposed to drop the rest of this weight in 2012 without her?!"), I realized something really important, I was going to have to take the tools given to me and stand on my own, without her "screaming in my face". I tested myself by taking a class with a different instructor and sure enough, with Carla's tools in the back of my mind I was able to push myself through even the most boring class. Sometimes it's important when we are forced to stand on our own, that is when we realize our true strength.

So here we are, it's 2012 and my slate feels more open than it did in 2011. I have noticed that God kind of removed some negativity from my life whether in the form of people or ideas or otherwise. And my eyes have been open to something really important; I can not be something that I am not. That may sound SO simple, but honestly, it is so huge. I am done trying to be something that I am not, trying to conform to what other people deem as appropriate or otherwise. I am me, and for those that cannot handle who I am then they are not worthy of being along for this journey I am on. I do not hold back, I am friendly, I jump in with both feet, I put it all out there, I mean well, I help others when I can, I give give give, I may seem overwhelming, but my intentions are always positive. My nickname in Summer camp used to be Smiley, naive or not, I like to believe the best in others. That has gotten me hurt many times as I literally wear my heart on my sleeve. I thought it was a good idea to tuck my heart back in, go more slowly ... but honestly that is not me. So love it or hate it, I am who I am and I am not going to alter that, ever again.

I am currently finishing up the book "My Year With Eleanor" it is a Memoir written by Noelle Hancock about her year from age 29-30 and how she faced one fear every day, whether small or huge. This book has inspired me in so many ways, not that I am the type of person who is riddled with fear, but I feel as though we are all in the same boat at this age. We know that 30 is fast approaching and whether you are thrilled by your job, your career, your life, your marriage, you know that change is on the horizon and it is kind of time to figure out your true path. I know that I want to start having children within the next few years but there is no way I am going to bring new life into this world until I feel as though I am on the path to fulfilling my own destiny. I know I am on that path, but I need to make a few leaps, decide on a few crossroads, and set the ball rolling in a serious direction.

Considering all that I have accomplished this past year that may seem like over kill, but what 2011 taught me is that I am literally capable of ANYTHING I set my mind to. I kind of already knew this, as I really do get whatever I want in life, but I had kind of lost my Mojo for a minute there. That or I was just improperly focusing it. In 2011 I got married to my soul mate and absolute best friend in the world (God knew what he was doing when he wrote us into each others books of life), I did improv and I did it really well (need to get back to that), I realized that comedy is just my thing (considering my strange/silly sense of humor lol) I lost more weight, I realized that I need to stop wasting time and get into some kind of plus sized modeling, I realized that I know the type of entertainer I would want to be, I found an AMAZING job FINALLY within the industry, I achieved my dream of moving to the city, I got out of debt, I attended 12 million weddings lol, I got closer to my Family and my In-Laws and I loved every minute of it all even if it felt stressful along the way.

I have major goals for 2012, I won't set myself up for failure by over doing it. But I have to take the proper steps towards my destiny. I have always said that we are not put on this earth and given our own set of dreams for any reason other than that they are meant to be. I do not dream to be a doctor because I am not meant to be a doctor, my dreams were given to me because they are possible for me. All dreams are possible, I have never believed otherwise.

Sometimes I regret that I waited until I lost weight to go for my dreams, sometimes I regret that I didn't stick with Theater in college, sometimes I regret that I have not been in the entertainment industry since I was a teenager, sometimes I regret that I am getting such a late start with it all. But then I breathe and I remember, life is not a race, it is a journey. I was not ready when I was a teenager or even in my early 20s, I was not ready to be who I was meant to be yet because I had to find myself along the way. I was not ready to lose the weight, face the demons, over come the obstacles. I keep a lot of my private life tucked away for only my closest family to know my struggles, I have over come more in 29 years then I think anyone could ever imagine and I am proud of that. It may seem like I lost my footing here or there but I believe I was just finding my way as I went along. I am the type of person who has to try something, whether I fail or succeed, to know if it's for me and don't even try to tell me no because that most certainly means I have to prove you wrong.

We are all a work in progress and some of our journeys may be longer than others, but we were all put on this Earth to do something with our lives and I am proud to say that I plan to make a difference somehow. Whether in the next few years or the next 10 years, I won't stop until I know I am where and who I am meant to be.

Here's to 2012, time to "Set Fire To The Rain" ... thank you to everyone who has helped me get to where I am today and I look forward to continuing this journey with you all by my side :)